Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
ok that is all.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I have heaps of new years resolutions that I prob will have to dedicate a whole post to. One top priority on my list (ok this is on the top of my list every year) is to lose a bit of IUI weight, courtesy of the hormone injections. I'm hoping this will make it easier to get pregnant...and fast! I'm going to my first weight watchers night with mum and her best friend (my MC from the wedding), would like to hear from any of you who have tried this and if it helped you become a super hot chick (or man).
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
OMG I am so emotionally unstable right now, I called Toodles at work yesterday saying I can't pick up the kids and that I don't want them here tonight..WTF? I was literally getting myself so worked up that I was physically sick at the thought of the kids coming home for 1 night after not seeing them for 2weeks. I really can't explain why it shocked me aswell. Things that shouldn't bother me do and I seriously lose it. Last time this happened I was on anti-depressants for 3 months and I can honestly say it was the best thing for me at the time, I was so happy that the kids could have smashed a window and I would be like 'oh well it's ok', now I would probably hang them (ok so technically I wouldn't, i'm not that much of a nut case). I really do think I need some kind miricle pill to get me through the day but then I think that if I do then the drs won't let me continue with the IUI as I could possibly be unstable also I can't take anything even if there is a possibility of being pregnant. So really there is no point in me being on them for a month and a half as it takes 2weeks to kick in then have to wait 2weeks after i'm weaned of them to do IUI, so really it's not worth it.
Toodles is speaking to DickHead (yes thats the kids father) about having shared custody next year so that means we have one week then he has one week. I seriously think this is a great idea as the kids get to spend equal time with their parents (this will be especially beneficial to Bluey) and Toodles and I get to have alone time without going mental (yes this is selfish but seriously i'm not coping and I am the one who has them full time not Toodles). I really don't know...my life is so Meh at the moment i've had enough. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I haven't spoken about this on my blog before but when I was 17 that was the first time I had a bub in my womb, we named her Kiara. My bf and I wanted a 'K' name as his whole family had K names and my name also started with K. I was so scared no one knew besides my best friend. The relationship with my bf at the time soured and he started getting rough with me, he never hit me but pushed me around enough to leave bruises. I still remember the night he tried to leave and I wanted him to stay...I didn't weigh much and he easily pushed me out of the way slamming me into the wall. I was only a few weeks along and I miscarried that night. I never truely knew what the sex of the baby was but in my heart I knew she was a girl. A part of me died that night, I still blame myself for letting it happen. She would be four.
My second miscarriage was last year, we didn't even realise we were pregnant. My step-son has this strange sixth sense and says he talks to her and her name is Ella and she was sick and had to go back to jesus (I have written about this before). He didn't even know I was pregnant.
There are plenty of miscarriage blogs out there but after reading full term baby losses it makes my loss seem so small, I had nothing to hold, no picures to show off....I have nothing. I have no proof that a baby no matter how small even existed. I don't even have ultrasound pictures to hold onto.
I don't even have the right to join infertility blogs. I'm not infertile even though we are doing IUI, there is nothing medically wrong with me in fact the drs say I am very fertile...i'm just a lesbian. Even though I could be going through the motions of doing an IUI cycle the same as a straight couple i'm immediatly shunned because 'I don't know their pain because my body has not shut down on me'. I feel like saying 'fair enough, but you have sperm on tap and I don't'.
Every month I struggle, I have lost who I am. I have turned into a depressed narky bitch, my marriage is struggling, my step-kids no longer live with us and I didn't fight it, I have finished fighting...i'm living in my own little shell and pushing my friends, family and the rest of the world out. I see my nurses and drs more then I see my own family and my parents only live down the road. I want the old Kristy back but i'm not sure if that is ever going to happen.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Proud Aunty Toodles
Proud Aunty K
Proud exhausted Parents, Andrew and Lisa
After 2 and a half days of labor Lisa and Andrew made it to the finish line. Baby Ahlia (pronounced ah-lee-ah) was born the 24/9/2009 at 8:04am 7pound 11 ounces and 53cms long. The 24th is the day of my brothers birthday and 8:04am is the day Lisa was born so that was timed perfectly. It wasn’t an easy birth and we all held our breaths there for a while. Lisa’s blood pressure was sky high and no Dr had checked on her for hours, the labor ward was full so they had to be sent to another floor. Lisa was supposed to have her waters broken but by 1am in the morning when her contraction were 45sec apart the Drs still hadn’t broken her waters…they were left in a room by themselves till there was a bed on the labor ward! When she was pushing bubs out bubs heart kept dropping, they then found out the cord was around her neck. I don’t know the full birthing story but Lisa ended up getting an epidural and a fair few internal stitches and was hooked up to a catheter yesterday when we saw them. Hers and my parents haven’t even met yet so I guess we have one up on them as we met the parents last night lol. Her aunt, uncle cousins and nan ‘Oma’ was also there too and the aunt was quizzing Donna and I once she found out we were together lol (not in a bad way though). I would not recommend Gold Coast Hospital to anyone..they are terrible! Ahlia was so cute but for the first time I was not clucky over a new baby, Donna was though and kept asking to hold her again. I guess I’m just over all the trying and talking about it for the past 3 years, it literally has taken over my life. I went for my blood tests today and will find out this avo when I go in for a scan, I pray it is tomorrow and we inseminate Monday…I want all the needles to be over. I need it to work this month, please keep your fingers and toes crossed :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The school councilor left a message for us yesterday to give her a call about Pinky . Apparently she is not going very well at school (which we already knew about) and they need to do an assessment on her to determine how high her needs really are. I feel bad for the her, but at least she’s in the right school if she does have a learning disability (they are a mixed school with handicap children and mainstream school children). We had Bluey’s interview last week and he is at the top of his class, apparently he and another little girl compete lol. His teacher said how he was a wonderful little boy and she could talk about him all day…..yes we were impressed J
Not much to report on the fostering side of things. They told her that they would definitely get back to us before the end of June so we just have to sit tight. We do have a lot of stuff going on in our lives at the moment with work, the kids and our insemination schedule. My Annual Team Building conference at Couran Cove is coming up so that’s something to get excited about J
On Thursday we had our first clinic appointments with the councilor and Dr. The councilor was very impressed with our knowledge and took down notes on what we were telling her (well we have been researching this for a while now!) She was lovely and I wouldn’t mind going back to see her again. Dr Carey sounded very keen to get started and pshyced us up for inseminating in 2 weeks, then we had our nurse appointment on Friday and she pretty much crushed those hopes. Poor Toodles looked like she wanted to punch her out. Turns out we have to wait for my blood tests to come back….oh and I have to give myself needles (apparently this gives us a bigger chance of twins, Toodles is very excited about this.). By this point I was starting to hate this chick. We will now be inseminating next month L
Toodles birthday was on Sunday so we went away to the Sunshine Coast for 2nights. Caloundra was very nice and we stayed in waterfront cabins until we were evacuated due to flooding and they moved us to Maroochydore. Sunday we drove 4 and a half hours to Millmerran to visit Toodles grandmothers grave (she hasn’t been back to visit since they buried her 7years ago). Toodles was very close to her as she was the only granddaughter so it was very emotional for her to go see her. The memorial park was lovely and we also visited grandfather Joe (who Lukas talks to) and Debbie (Toodles fathers sister who died when she was 1yr). We then stopped at a nice pub that we would definitely go back to. There’s just something about small towns that just feel so welcoming. We also stopped at the Big Pineapple for ice-cream and the Aussie world pub. It was such a great weekend that I must admit I’m sad to be back home L
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Yesterday I found out Donna has probably lost her license...well she got a 6 months suspension cause she was doing 110km in a 60km zone (she didnt read the signs going on the byron highway as all along the highway its 110km until you get to one spot and ist 60km) so now we are prob screwed as she works at ballina and we live in banora point (over 1hr drive) and if I end up having to drive her it will suck as I work at broadbeach/surfers paradise (1hr away from home) so overall my whole morning and night will be spent driving to and from our work places! I know things happen for a reason...I just need to find out that reason!
Monday, April 20, 2009
On the fostering side of things we still have not heard anything, I did send a letter to Doc's yesterday asking whats going on (do we sound a lil obsessive?) so hopefully we will hear something soon. We also went out and bought a car on Saturday, it's a 7 seater so it will hold alot of kiddies :) Can you tell that we are over confident.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
We still hadn't heard back from the foster care agency so I gave them a call yesterday, yes they said they would get back to me in 2weeks and it had already been 1week and 5 days but I am very impatient about these things...when im in the 2ww i'm already peeing on sticks by day 6! Anyways they apparently are still getting use to their online application process which they only started last week so fingers crossed they call soon :) They also said that they would prefer to only give us children two years younger then our youngest child....so it looks like we would be fostering children under 4. This is starting to get interesting as we could be inseminating as early as next month, I have a Dr's appointment this avo to get a referal and then its off to counselling with Toodles and a Dr's appointment at the fertillity clinic. Toodles and I are so excited, hopefully this is our year!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My awesome beer hat my best mate Snowy bought me, she topped it up with red vodka all night!
Toodles taking over cake cutting duties
Smokie and I chillin in the pool
Monday, March 9, 2009
Aren't they the cutest?? Ok yes i'm biased :)
Monday, March 2, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I
see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what
you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the
laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in
the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle
of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone
and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the
backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once,
not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine
for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one
if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what
you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess
every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake
cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to
McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you
can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the
tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late
while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for
hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my fingers through
your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful
that God has given me the gift of you.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are
searching for their missing children, the mothers
and fathers who are visiting their children's graves
instead of their bedrooms, the childless couple that
will do anything and everything to bring a baby home,
and the mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly, and
screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a
little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that
I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing,
except one more day.............
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The kids have started back at school...It's Bluey's first year and Pinkie's first year at that school, so far she is loving it and hasnt had a problem making friends, Bluey has his first day tomorrow. They both look so cute in their uniforms that I had to give them an extra squishy hug. Things at home have slightly improved and even though Smokie is over quite a bit now I really am enjoying the extra help for once. KS on the other hand is still as selfish as ever and even called Pinkie a bitch after she broke a 'pinky swear' promise not to tell on KS after she smoked all over her in the car. The kid is 7 for goodness sake and we have had many conversations on not keeping secrets that are bad (Toodles is a smoker and Pinky thinks that is the worst thing ever).
I really am confident about trying this month. I have been taking my vitamins and am inseminating a day before ovulation so I know I havent missed it. Please cross all your fingers and toes for my guys :)
On a sadder note a lady I work with may lose her grandchild over the next week. Her daughters dr told her that it looks like the baby had stopped growing and she is going in for more testing next week on Tuesday. To top it all off she may also have the measles but the hospital told her it was only a rash and gave her steroids even though they new it could hurt the baby. They are very upset and my collegue has been secretly crying in her office this past week. Please keep the whole family in your prayers.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Let me give you a little back ground before I continue:
When I was 12 my father went to the states to meet up with a lady he met over the internet, he came back and told us that she and her six children were moving over here to be one big family with us. My brothers and I were excited at the prospect of having 9 kids in the house, we went house hunting with my father and found a huge house with acreage and the best tree house I had ever seen in my 12yrs, he told us we were going to all live here...it was like all my christmas' had come at once. I could not have been happier.
Fast forward to 3 months later, my father left for the states to bring 'our new family' home and never returned. So many broken promises of coming to see us and a few empty phone calls a couple of times a year....he never did come back and after the 3rd year of him being gone my brothers only just started to realise that he wasnt coming home.
I have been filled with so much hurt and anger for the past nine yrs and am still battling with my demons everday. Without anything been said I blamed my father and have gotten use to his parents feeling bad for us and sending us christmas and birthday presents saying they were from him. Why did he always promise to come back for a visit and never did? He missed my graduation, 18th, wedding and just recently my 21st. Now my brothers have to go through all those missed milestones as I did and I feel bad. He has a grandkid on the way that he won't even get to know (hopefully there will be 2).
I received a msg from Ali saying how sorry she was for everything and if she could change it all she would. She also told me that I shouldn't be angry at my father as everything is not what it seems. I really had no idea what she was going on about so after talking to her for a few minutes I asked her to elaborate. Apparently my father saved up so many times to come back but his 'wife' (and I use that term loosely) had a spending problem and took all his money. She controlled him and her kids so Ali left (she is 17 now). She lied about haveing cancer and many other illnesses and gave herself self inflicted injuries by popping pills to stuff her body up. The kids real father lived downstairs in their house and sexually abused the kids. WTF is wrong with this women? She told us that she adopted two of the kids she said where her nieces because ther mother was a drug addict and left them on her doorstep. I just found out that they werent her nieces and their mother wasnt her sister at all, they were foster kids that were there for only a few months. Ali doesnt even really remember who they are.
I feel like a huge weight is lifted of my shoulders..my father really did care, he tried to come home but she did everything to stop him. I also feel sad, that he is stuck over there trying his best to make a go of it...no real family but them. His whole family is here!
I really don't know whether I will see him again, I guess I have not really thought about it that much. If he does come back I don't know how I would react, I would feel like I was betraying my step-dad because he has looked after us and done everything for us all this time.
When we were kids he was a fun dad. He took us places and did things with us, mum never really had time for my brothers and I.
I really dont know if I still want him to come back after all these years.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Pinkie and Bluey came home today...is it mean of me to want to send them back? We have KS and our other mate 'Smokie' over. All they have done for the past 3 days is drink and smoke themselves stupid. I really am over the house sharing, they have taken over the kids space and KS dog wees and poos all over the house and she wont even clean it up..not to mention that she still literally stalks DD. I really miss the 2 weeks that I had with just Toodles! I want my life back, i'm sad and angry....im 21 but feel more like 40. What is wrong with me! I'm really struggling, I dont want to be here but I cant leave. Oh and to top my lovely weekend of my cars engine has blown up on me.
The world owes me a cookie today!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I have been talking to our donor a bit over the past few days (i'm in the middle of talking to him on face book now lol), he is really nice and has offered a shoulder to lean on anytime. He really listens to what i have to say, its great! I know I have made the right choice by going with him.
I just feel yuck! My heart hurts, my tummy hurts and now my head hurts. I just wish Toodles and I could be happy, life really wasn't ment to be like this.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I'm glad I have this place to vent or I don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening guys :)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The kids have gone to their fathers for the next 3weeks, I thought it would be a nice break and I could get so much done..I was really looking forward to it. Now I just miss them and its shit!
Maybe I do need a man, then my problems would be far fewer!
I'm just in a bad place at the moment, this sucks!