Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Is this a bit freaky?

Do you think it would be weird if I got a reborn doll as a substitue for a baby? People who have lost children or are unable to have a baby do this for therapy, they can even make a real looking doll to look like your child just from a picture with mechanisms to make it look like the baby is breathing! Between $150 and $800 I can have a real looking doll that is even weighted to feel like you are holding a newborn...this could be cheaper then thearpy, although if Toodles found out I was considering this she would probably make me go to therapy.

I'm cool, calm and collected (for now)

Last night we finally came to a decision on what we are doing with the kids next year. Dickhead has now refused to do one week on and one week off and wants them full time (this is definatley not in the best interest of the children as they wouldn't cope their full time, they are struggling now and it's only been 1 month!). We have decided we will have them for the first week and on the following Monday then they spend time with nanny and poppy on tuesday, dickhead has them on his usual wednesday, they spend thursday with nanny and poppy then dickhead has them friday through till Monday morning when he drops them off at school. This way the kids get to spend time with all the important people in their lives and we still get a week to ourselves. I must say I finally feel at peace with everything, ok as much peace as I can feel without going into how sad I am about another christmas with no baby. How many more Christmases will I be feeling like this?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I need motivation!

I seriously have no urge to do anything anymore! I'm not happy in my job (probably due to the fact that we have no aircon in 39 degree heat!) I'm not happy with my home life and all Toodles and I do is fight. It ended in both of us screaming/crying and breaking things (and Toodles fist after pounching the tiles in the shower). This is never ending and is almost always about the kids. This time it was about if they come back next year I want her to do most of the parenting because I have done it for the past 3yrs and it sucks, I feel so alone. I'm angry at the fact that these kids have a mother and a father who leave the parenting up to their partners, I just want my own baby to love and care for! I'm angry that its almost christmas and still we have achieved nothing...2yrs and nothing to show for it! I don't know what I want, I'm mad as hell! No one around me understands the pain I go through every day and the battle I have with myself about every decision I make. At least once, twice or three times every hr I am thinking about baby making, what my life will be like, what hospital and support groups I will join, what play group I will take my baby to. It's like an illness that I can't shake, I'm sick! I try to make Toodles understand, I know she does in her own way..I know she feels the emotional pain that I do but she doesn't get the physical pain...blood tests every day and injection hurt like a MoFo! I't doesnt help that she thinks theres something wrong with me because 'she got pregnant so easy', Good for you Toodles...rub some salt into my wounds some more! I got pregnant twice easily too remember..The first when I was on birth control at 17 and the second at 20 with our first try with DD and we lost it. I hate not being in control, I hate not knowing whats going to happen next. My world has been turned upside down and I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I am lost in this world and its a scary and sad place when you feel so alone.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


No matter how many perks there are it can never make me feel better about the fact that im STILL not pregnant.

Perk #4

I can keep my mood swings under control and not have emotional breakdowns in my bosses office.

Perk #3

I am able to have rough sex without Toodles thinking she's hurting me!

Perk #2

I am able to drink myself stupid at Snowys 21st, Sarah's 40th and our christmas party..

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Perks about not trying to get pregnant...

I am able to have as much nurofen as I want without having to worry about my uterus more migranes!

who am I?

I'm in another one of those rutts where I don't know what to do, where do I go from here? Ok I know I will be starting IUI again in January but what do I do while i'm waiting for that? I feel like i'm giving up now that i'm not actively trying until the new year, this waiting game is worse then the waiting game while trying. I had a life plan but that plan didn't go according to schedual. I hate not being in control! If I don't feel good about my plan of waiting why did I choose that? I can't win, when i'm trying i'm fighting a phsycological battle with myself to inject myself with needles, get blood tests and go through the horrible insemination. When i'm not trying i'm angry/upset because I feel like I should be trying and the waiting is just delaying my life!

OMG I am so emotionally unstable right now, I called Toodles at work yesterday saying I can't pick up the kids and that I don't want them here tonight..WTF? I was literally getting myself so worked up that I was physically sick at the thought of the kids coming home for 1 night after not seeing them for 2weeks. I really can't explain why it shocked me aswell. Things that shouldn't bother me do and I seriously lose it. Last time this happened I was on anti-depressants for 3 months and I can honestly say it was the best thing for me at the time, I was so happy that the kids could have smashed a window and I would be like 'oh well it's ok', now I would probably hang them (ok so technically I wouldn't, i'm not that much of a nut case). I really do think I need some kind miricle pill to get me through the day but then I think that if I do then the drs won't let me continue with the IUI as I could possibly be unstable also I can't take anything even if there is a possibility of being pregnant. So really there is no point in me being on them for a month and a half as it takes 2weeks to kick in then have to wait 2weeks after i'm weaned of them to do IUI, so really it's not worth it.

Toodles is speaking to DickHead (yes thats the kids father) about having shared custody next year so that means we have one week then he has one week. I seriously think this is a great idea as the kids get to spend equal time with their parents (this will be especially beneficial to Bluey) and Toodles and I get to have alone time without going mental (yes this is selfish but seriously i'm not coping and I am the one who has them full time not Toodles). I really don't life is so Meh at the moment i've had enough. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave!

Monday, November 16, 2009

No baby miracle for Christmas, Happy F****n Anniversary!

I guess it wasn't ment to be this year. AF came with a vengance on Saturday, I was 2 days late and I am NEVER late. I guess we got our hopes up, I have been clotting more then usual so am still going to go to my drs appointment tomorrow morning at the clinic. I'm just a little bit sad because we said we would have a baby by last christmas and were so sure that we would at least be preg by this christmas. I know I will be upset christmas morning...hell I was upset last chrisrmas morning but there is nothing I can do, I've had my chances this year and it didnt work. I feel like I have failed Toodles, I can't even keep my promise to her...its our anniversary today and we both felt like crap. Toodles wants me to try again this month meaning that I would have to start needles tomorrow..I can't do it, I need to give my body a break...I just feel sore and broken, I have only just gotten rid of my bruises on my tummy from all the needles and my arms from the blood tests. To top it all off I am officially classed as infertile, in other words my body is too fu**ed up to even make a baby. Over the past year and a half my whole life has revolved around baby making, if I give it up i'm lost..what do I have to aim towards? I need to find myself again.

Friday, November 13, 2009

F@ck This!

Ok i got yet another negative....I am so over this, I am so angry! If it is negative where is AF? I was looking forward to our anniversary weekend, now i'm going to be secretly miserable the whole time...when is it my turn to be happy?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

No news is good news right?

Today I was supposed to go in for pregnancy blood tests, this didn't happen due to work comitments and has been put off until next tuesday. Aunt flo hasn't showed herself yet but if she does i'm expecting it will be either today or tomorrow. I have been so sick the past 3 days, I really think it's gastro (secretly i'm hoping it's something else). On Monday it will be Toodles and mine 1yr wedding anniversary, we were going to celebrate by going to the sunshine coast but have now changed our mind and are staying in byron bay for 2nights. The beach, bush walks, walking to the light house and good food....i'm looking forward to it. Most of all i'm looking forward to getting away with my Toodles. I pray AF doesnt come and ruin our weekend away!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

To test or not to test?

Ok I was going to hold of testing until Monday (which would make it 10 DPO), but the test I have says test as early as 7 DPO...which is tomorrow. I always have such good intentions of waiting but it really never happens. So tomorrow after Toodles leaves for work I will do the damn test. I really am not expecting much so I don't know why I want to put myself through it! Oh well only time will tell.