Thursday, February 25, 2010

Todays the day

This morning we had our 5th insemination, it went really well and I hardley even flinched...sadly I am getting better at this. I'm still wiped out on vallium though and Toodles had to go back to work, just about to pick up Bluey from school (thank *uck Pinky is having a sleep over, I can't deal with this shit). If this try fails we have one more vile of sperm then it's time for Operation IVF...god help us all if i'm injecting more drugs, I'm a bitch as it is. I am giving up on having a baby by christmas...this will mean 3 christmases have gone past that we have been trying. I wish that my F*#ked up body will just give me a break, seriously getting pregnant was not supposed to be this hard. I mean like women for thousands of years have been doing it without medical intervention....why am I so useless at it? It was bad enough that I couldn't carry a child to term and now to top it off i'm infertile! There were dramas getting my medicare rebate today because they have changed their benefits for assisted reproduction...yes I have reached my threshold but I still don't get 80% back....I love how we are treated as second class citizens in this respect...not to mention I already am a 'second class citizen' because I am gay. Like seriously, not getting pregnant is a medical problem too (apparently). Sometimes I really do keep forgeting the prize at the end of it, it's like I am going through the motions of injections, blood tests, scans and inseminations and I am looking in at myself because I am so disconnected to my body and emotions. When will it happen and when will all the medical interventions be over. When I was younger all I wanted was to be a mum, i'm sure if I knew this was in my future I would have run a mile. I think I am just over everything at the moment, I need to turn my brain off and stop thinking.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Round 5

I have been slack on posting this past week. The last cycle failed and I have started the Puregon needles again. I go back in for a scan tomorrow and hopefully inseminate in the coming week. I know it will happen for us soon it's just the waiting that is so frustrating. In the past month 2 females at work have come out and said there pregnant. Will I be the third?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Heres the 3rd bad thing!

Didn't I say that everything happens to me in threes? My boss gave me a letter yesterday to say she wants to meet with me about my work performance dropping...the kicker is that it is for this avo and she only let me know yesterday avo, way to kick me when i'm down! Anyway I'm at the point now where it's getting so hard to work here. My boss is still playing games with my head eg: taking my back up tapes and hiding them in her drawer, when I asked for them back she said she found all three sitting near the printer (I would never have them all out at once and I guard those tapes with my life!) She throws little tantrums about things and throws stuff around, when I am looking for a document it mysteriously turns up in my in-tray buried under piles of stuff.
Like seriously what sick person gets gratification from that>? Then she always puts on the act and is a sweet as pie! Anyways I'm getting over it..and we still don't even have aircon and it has gotten of 40 degrees not healthy. I have got an interview this avo for an after school care and vacation care position which is just down the road from hope I get it, it would be perfect. I would still be able to go to all my hospital appointments and not miss work and I am even willing to take a pay cut for this! I would love to be the stay at home mum during the day that can volunteer at the kids tuck shop and attend assemblies and sports carnivals...oh what the life.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The positives

Whenever I get down about anything i.e baby making or work, I need to keep reminding myself of all the things I have to be thankful for:
I'm healthy (for the most part anyway)
I have a roof over my head
I go to bed with a full belly at night
I have family that care about me
Even though I don't have my own baby I still have children and laughter in my life
I have a beautiful wife who makes sure I'm looked after...

Even when my boss disrespect me and belittles me I need to find the positives:
I have a huge glass window at my desk with a lovely shady mango tree out the front to look at
I can hear the birds chirping somewhere reminding me that there is life outside these fall walls
When I need to I can get a 'pick me up' by walking to the day centre where all the clients are and happy staff that greet me when I enter
For the most part I work with some awesome people who I have great laughs with
I am able to spend time at my desk blogging.

So you see things aren't all that bad, are they?

P.S. I peed on a stick this morning and it was negative, I'm only on day 9 so it still is possible that I could be pregnant (I will keep telling myself that).

Thursday, February 4, 2010

second day of horribleness!

They say things always come in three...whens the third one going to drop? Today I crashed our bus into a parking meter, we lost the windows up the right side of the bus which resulted in me having a break down in the car park and the co-ordinators had to pick me up...not my finest hour I must say.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Am I?

Am I pregnant? I really do feel different this time around and more hopefull that I am. Sami from work thinks I am (she does tarot card readings and Phsycic readings), I just feel more in tune with myself at the moment. I must say this day has started out challenging though....Toodles had a rock put through her back window and it's costing $560 to fix! This is so not what I wanted when we are almost a month behind on the mortgage and have all our IUI expenses to top it off. Poor Bluey has a staph infection because of the poor living condition at his fathers, it started out as school sores and the antibiotics we got for him wasn't working so now it's so much worse. The school called me this morning saying he was sent to school sick with bloodshot, glazed over eyes and was vomiting. They were at there fathers last night and he dropped the kids off this morning, I think he may have overdosed Bluey on his antibiotics like he did to Pinky several months ago...grrr soooo mad! Yesterday we also found out he and his gf are getting married while over in America and their trip to Disney Land is only lasting a day (the second day after they get of a 12hr flight) and are making the children sit in a car for hrs a day while they travel...not to mention that they are going for 3 weeks and they will be off school for 2 of those weeks! Their father is the most irresponsible person I know and his partner is supposed to be a teacher! sorry I sould step of my 'vent' box now.