Sunday, January 4, 2009

Now What??

Our Donors broke up again last night, I really don't think their relationship is salviagable. KS is devistated and will probably end up on our doorstep by the end of the week. I really don't know where to go from here, we have no donor and no money for a clinic. I am so angry, if we ever thought something like this would happen we would have gone down the clinic route when we had money, now we have invested all of it into renovating the house and there is nothing left. Our baby hopes for 2009 don't look good and it will take at least a yr or 2 to save up to even get a chance at falling pregnant. It's not fair, I really envy 'normal' couples who have an endless supply of sperm. I really wanted Toodles to be the one to 'get me pregnant', now it looks like we will have to wait a few yrs and do the insemination in a sterile environment with a dr doing all the work and that is so not what I had in mind. I really don't know where to go from here, it feels like all our hard work has been for nothing, all the planning and getting excited....for what, to be slapped down again!Toodles and I have been doing really well this week until we got this blow last night, we had a fight at 1am when she left for work and i spent the next 2hrs in tears till I fell back to sleep, I'm so tired. Tired of fighting and tired of pretending to care and put on a happy face, all I want to do is crumble in a heap and be left alone. To top it all of I started back at work this morning and have been trying to keep myself distracted and pass the hrs, only 6 to go!
The kids have gone to their fathers for the next 3weeks, I thought it would be a nice break and I could get so much done..I was really looking forward to it. Now I just miss them and its shit!
Maybe I do need a man, then my problems would be far fewer!
I'm just in a bad place at the moment, this sucks!

1 comment:

Hope's Mama said...

hey, thanks for reading my blog. congrats on your wedding, you both looked beautiful. hoping with all my heart you guys can bring a baby home very, very soon. best of luck to you both. this journey is so tough xo