Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Another year older, Another year lost

Yesterday I turned 22, it was just like another day and I wanted to keep it like that. Why is it that every holiday, birthday or anniversary I feel dispear and hoplessness? I keep thinking 'This time next year we will have a baby, This time next year I will be happy'. Why do I put myself through this, I have been doing this for the past 2years...why? What happens when I get pregnant (hoping I do and don't jinx it)? I will then be worrying about misscarriage then stillbirth then SIDS. I am scared that when I do get what I want it will be taken away, I just want to be happy but am always waiting for the next drama to happen. I should be happy. I have Toodles who is my world, I have to great step kids but that still isn't enough. Why do I have this strong urge to have a biological child here with me, I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Back to where it all started

Sometimes I wish I could go back to wear Toodles and I first begun, we were niave and care free...oh how I miss those days. I miss being happy and how Toodles and I had so much more affection for each other and how we did nice things such as bring each other flowers just because we felt like it, we wrote each other notes and left them on the bench and sent smoochie text messages to each other. Ever since we have started this baby making journey we have drifted further apart each month we try, we snap at each other and need more time to ourselves. Sometimes I don't know who we are anymore when we are in the middle of a screaming match or throwing things around the house, I just want the old us back. I am willing to work and get back to where we were but Toodles won't even acknowledge that we have problems, If I bring it up she tells me I'm the one with the problem not her. How am I supposed to work on our marriage when she is not even willing to try or see that we have problems? I don't know how to fix the mess that I call 'my life'.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas Day

Well christmas day didn't start good, I was picking fights with Toodles for no reason and crying all morning...I don't know what came over me but chrismas morning sucked! Toodles doesn't understand how hard holidays are especially christmas, last year we said that we would have a baby by this christmas and thats what kept me going all year. I just wish Toodles could relate to me, sometimes it feels like we are on different planets...she laughed and played happily with her kids, she wasn't missing anything like I am, she already has what she wants. At least the rest of the day went off without a hitch, I was to busy to think. My whole family went and had a look at the nursery, I think half of them thought I was a nutter, maybe I am.

Monday, December 21, 2009

1 year 6 months 2 weeks and 4 days

Thats how long we have been ttc. If you think about it, thats a huge chunk out of someones life to be hanging onto hope and playing the waiting game. I am so impatient and love being in control that this is seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do, this is not what I pictured I would be doing at 20 and 21 and 22...hopefully I won't be still hanging on for hope when im 23! Another sucky christmas with ruined expectations, no third stocking under the tree, no 'my first christmas' paraphernalia, no passing a new baby around the family (ok there will be passing of a new baby but it won't be mine). I can only just imagine how much joy my brother and his partner will be sharing with their 3 month old this christmas, why can't I have that? I stood at the doorway of our nursery and cried more than I have in a long time last weekend, it has been such a big year for us and we have nothing to show for all our hard work. No evidence of the 7am visits to the hospital every morning or the internal examinations or inseminations we did. No evidence of all the prodding, poking and injections that left welts on my stomach or all the blood draws which left bruises down my arm that made me look like a junkie. Another year wasted, Another year I will spend doing this again. When will this get easier?

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I've decided to dedicate a post to all the baby names I am liking at the moment..yes it is a little early but I want them to be written down so I don't forget:


ok that is all.

Monday, December 7, 2009

What a weekend!

On Saturday we had friends and family over for a christmas party, we ate and drank while the kids played. Toodles put on her christmas hat and gave out presents and lollies to all ten of the kids..they loved it! We had a very relaxing and chilled out Sunday with the kids and I've got to say I actually really enjoyed spending time with our little family (don't get me wrong I do enjoy spending time with the kids but I was so much more relaxed, it was great!) I just wish I could be this chilled out all the time, I need to work on that for the new year.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Ok I know I said we were going to wait till next year to go back to the clinic but I kinda caved and decided to try this month..after convincing Toodles and having my cycles worked out I called the clinic to let them know. I knew I was pushing it because they are only open half days when I would be needing to inseminate but I still thought I would be able to do it...apparently not as they are only open to do blood work! If only my period came 4 days later then expected then maybe I could do it. I also spoke to them about upping my dose of Gonal F, they need to speak with Dr Carey first but I don't see why he would have a problem with it.
I have heaps of new years resolutions that I prob will have to dedicate a whole post to. One top priority on my list (ok this is on the top of my list every year) is to lose a bit of IUI weight, courtesy of the hormone injections. I'm hoping this will make it easier to get pregnant...and fast! I'm going to my first weight watchers night with mum and her best friend (my MC from the wedding), would like to hear from any of you who have tried this and if it helped you become a super hot chick (or man).