Happy New Year TXT

Heres a text i recieved early this morning that hit home:
Happy New Years, hoping that the new year brings you all the joy and happiness that you deserve and want...heres to making it the best year of our lives, may dreams come true and aspirations realised with determination. Sending you lots of love xoxoxo

The best part is that it was sent from the person who can make our dreams come true for 2009, heres hoping...fingers crossed :)

Happy New Year!

Heres hoping that 2009 is better than 2008 :) ok I guess I have nothing really to complain about, Toodles and I accomplished alot in 2008 and finally tied the knot! This year i'm focusing on our family's happiness and being the best person that I can be. We are also trying to get our relationship back on track and possibly looking at other ways of conceiving. Our donor and his fiance are back in a bad place and it doesnt like they are going to pull themselves out of it anytime soon, rather then dwelling on it we need to move on i guess. I will also be picking up our wedding photos today so i'm pretty excited about that! We ended up having a quiet night to bring in the new year, we took the kids on a bike ride down to were they had fire works going off..it was nice to just sit with the 3 of them and relax :) We came home and had a swim (it was stinking hot) and put the kids to bed, we ended up hitting the sack around 10:30. I feel like im getting old lol.
My 21st was nice. We are having a party next week as everyone is away for chrissy. Toodles and I spent the day at Byron Bay swimming and bush walking, we finished up the day having dinner with family...just magic :)

21 tomorrow!

Well tomorrow marks 21 years since i've been here on this earth. I really don't understand all the hype that is associated with the 21 mark, it's really just another year older to me. Toodles has insisted that we have a party which we wont be doing till January as everyone is away over christmas. I'm pretty lucky for a 21yr old though, I have gotten everything most people are lucky to have by the time there 30 or 40!
I met Toodles when I was 14 and started seeing each other when I was 18, became a step mum to her 2 children (then aged 2 and 4), moved completely out of home by the time I was 19 and bought our first house together, got engaged on my 20th birthday and got married 11 months later and all through the past 2years we have been on this baby making journey together.
We have had so many ups and downs. We have supported each other in coming out to our families, I have supported Toodles through her bitter divorce, we have been taken to court twice this year about the kids, we have found our donor and Toodles has been there and supported me through the rollercoaster of every 2WW.
I guess we have been through a lot in the three years we have been together, but there is no way I would want to go through all of this with anyone else, she is my strength and I love her for every experience she has given me.

There should be three!

Don't get me wrong I love being gay, I really do. I love my Toodles, I love her kids and I love our lifestyle. However I do resent straight couples, especially straight pregnant women...and yeah I guess I resent Toodles as well, she got to pretend for a few years and got 2 beautiful children out of it. How is that fair! I can't just have sex every night, it all has to be planned out..charting, peeing on sticks, basil temperatures, looking for any sign of mucus to tell me that i'm ovulating, then I get one lousy night a month to get it right...thats only 12 nights a year (providing DD doesnt wank himself off, have sex or is busy around the time we need him). Really I have more chance of winning the lottery! I do know in the straight world there are people out there who have their fair share of disapointment and grief aswell (i'm not that niave), and to anyone who has experienced infertility, miscarriage or loss of a child i'm am so sorry, life is a bitch!

Last night we had christmas with pinkie and bluey because they went to their fathers today. They had a blast (will post pics soon) there was wrapping paper and toys everywhere..only just finished cleaning up. They are so spoilt...i think it's because Toodles still feels guilty from taking them away from their father. Anyways all was going great, the kids had gone to bed and we were loading up their christmas sacks and placing presents around their trees, thats when it hit me 'we should be doing this for three kids!'. I broke down crying..I don't mean just a few tears but huge sobs. Poor Toodles didn't know what was wrong with me, when I told her she gave me a look that said 'get over it'. It's alright for her, she has 2 kids..she has experienced the lot. I know she wants a bub of our own but I don't think she gets how hard it is for me. Yes she is on the 2WW rollercoaster with me everytime and always gets her hopes up only to be let down, she inseminates the baby juice herself and is with me everystep of the way...but at the end of the day if us having a bubba doesn't work out she still has two beautiful children.

Bah Humbug

Well it’s coming up to Christmas and still nothing yet. I keep thinking if we didn’t lose the baby it would be almost due now, we would be painting the nursery and loading it up with lots of pressies. Instead i’m slowly getting there with all the preparations for the family coming over on Christmas day and looking longingly at all the cute baby stockings and ‘baby’s first christmas’ tree ornaments. It’s killing me more and more every day, Toodles has started pointing out babies in strollers at the shops and scanning k-mart catalogues for baby toys (ok we have gone a little overboard and bought a few things that are on special). I keep thinking last Christmas we decided this would be the year and that by this year we would be celebrating with a bubba. Is this what it will be like next Christmas? Will we still be longing for something that we don’t yet have? Toodles and I have been fighting a fair bit lately and I know most of it is because I just don’t have the patience anymore and because she doesn’t have the patience for me. I’m hurting...i’m still in that poor me faze. Toodles casually talks about this miscarriage like it’s no big deal (when at the time we were shattered, I think I was shocked at first because we hadn’t even realised I fell pregnant. Toodles cried for half an hr in the shower and I didn’t cry until the next night and then we broke down together. All I can remember is feeling so bad for Toodles, I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted and that broke my heart.) Anyway, i’m supposed to be over that grieving stage since we weren’t even that far along but I can’t stop thinking ‘What If’? When will I feel happiness again?
Time doesn’t heal everything, it only makes it worse!

Just another day

I feel like i'm stuck in a rutt that I can't get out of. I've been so emotional this past week and everything has been setting me off. Life sux, baby making sux...I hate it all!