who am I?

I'm in another one of those rutts where I don't know what to do, where do I go from here? Ok I know I will be starting IUI again in January but what do I do while i'm waiting for that? I feel like i'm giving up now that i'm not actively trying until the new year, this waiting game is worse then the waiting game while trying. I had a life plan but that plan didn't go according to schedual. I hate not being in control! If I don't feel good about my plan of waiting why did I choose that? I can't win, when i'm trying i'm fighting a phsycological battle with myself to inject myself with needles, get blood tests and go through the horrible insemination. When i'm not trying i'm angry/upset because I feel like I should be trying and the waiting is just delaying my life!

OMG I am so emotionally unstable right now, I called Toodles at work yesterday saying I can't pick up the kids and that I don't want them here tonight..WTF? I was literally getting myself so worked up that I was physically sick at the thought of the kids coming home for 1 night after not seeing them for 2weeks. I really can't explain why it shocked me aswell. Things that shouldn't bother me do and I seriously lose it. Last time this happened I was on anti-depressants for 3 months and I can honestly say it was the best thing for me at the time, I was so happy that the kids could have smashed a window and I would be like 'oh well it's ok', now I would probably hang them (ok so technically I wouldn't, i'm not that much of a nut case). I really do think I need some kind miricle pill to get me through the day but then I think that if I do then the drs won't let me continue with the IUI as I could possibly be unstable also I can't take anything even if there is a possibility of being pregnant. So really there is no point in me being on them for a month and a half as it takes 2weeks to kick in then have to wait 2weeks after i'm weaned of them to do IUI, so really it's not worth it.

Toodles is speaking to DickHead (yes thats the kids father) about having shared custody next year so that means we have one week then he has one week. I seriously think this is a great idea as the kids get to spend equal time with their parents (this will be especially beneficial to Bluey) and Toodles and I get to have alone time without going mental (yes this is selfish but seriously i'm not coping and I am the one who has them full time not Toodles). I really don't know...my life is so Meh at the moment i've had enough. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave!