I have tortured myself again this morning by reading dead baby mama blogs. I can't explain why I do it but I end up sitting hear with tears rolling down my face for every single story I read. I don't know where I belong in blog land. I have 2 step-children but don't feel like I can contribute to parenting blogs, I feel like a fraud..they aren't really mine are they? I can't talk to new mums about late nights, collicy babies or changing nappies as I did not experience that with my step-kids as I came when they were 2 and 5. I don't fit in with the dead baby mama's either as I have not lost a full term baby, like many mama's say 'a miscariage is so much more different then a full term baby'. They are right...I have no idea.
I haven't spoken about this on my blog before but when I was 17 that was the first time I had a bub in my womb, we named her Kiara. My bf and I wanted a 'K' name as his whole family had K names and my name also started with K. I was so scared no one knew besides my best friend. The relationship with my bf at the time soured and he started getting rough with me, he never hit me but pushed me around enough to leave bruises. I still remember the night he tried to leave and I wanted him to stay...I didn't weigh much and he easily pushed me out of the way slamming me into the wall. I was only a few weeks along and I miscarried that night. I never truely knew what the sex of the baby was but in my heart I knew she was a girl. A part of me died that night, I still blame myself for letting it happen. She would be four.
My second miscarriage was last year, we didn't even realise we were pregnant. My step-son has this strange sixth sense and says he talks to her and her name is Ella and she was sick and had to go back to jesus (I have written about this before). He didn't even know I was pregnant.
There are plenty of miscarriage blogs out there but after reading full term baby losses it makes my loss seem so small, I had nothing to hold, no picures to show off....I have nothing. I have no proof that a baby no matter how small even existed. I don't even have ultrasound pictures to hold onto.
I don't even have the right to join infertility blogs. I'm not infertile even though we are doing IUI, there is nothing medically wrong with me in fact the drs say I am very fertile...i'm just a lesbian. Even though I could be going through the motions of doing an IUI cycle the same as a straight couple i'm immediatly shunned because 'I don't know their pain because my body has not shut down on me'. I feel like saying 'fair enough, but you have sperm on tap and I don't'.
Every month I struggle, I have lost who I am. I have turned into a depressed narky bitch, my marriage is struggling, my step-kids no longer live with us and I didn't fight it, I have finished fighting...i'm living in my own little shell and pushing my friends, family and the rest of the world out. I see my nurses and drs more then I see my own family and my parents only live down the road. I want the old Kristy back but i'm not sure if that is ever going to happen.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Yesterday we had insemination number 3, the drs were wrong and my hormone levals did rise...in fact they more then doubled over night. My estrogen was at 1267 and LH levels were at 17, making this the highest amount of hormones I have had for insem day. This also could be because we had three eggs, 1 good developing egg which roughly got to around 20mm by yesterady and 2 smaller eggs (not sure of the size though). If things do not work out this month I will be having a break, I cannot keep pumping myself with drugs...it is taking over my life! At least if we need to do another cycle I can claim on medicare as technically they will class me as medically infertile opposed to socially infertile which I am now. It's a bit daunting though being classed as medically infertile, that means my body really is no good and i'll feel more of a failure then I already do now. Like I keep telling everyone....I just want it to be over! Hopefully I will make it through the 2ww.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Went in for bloods today..another collapsed vein in my right arm so had to get a second jab in the same spot as yesterday, it hurt like a mother! We will either be going for insem tomorrow (friday) or saturday depending on my blood results that I have to wait to get back at 3pm. This morning didn't start so good...firstly it took 15mins to convince myself to give me a jab with the Gonal F pen, which by the way ended with me being a blubering mess...so glad toodles wasn't home to see that. Then blubering on the poor nurse when she had to go in the other arm for bloods and her having to listen about how everything sucks and I can't do it anymore. So im pretty sure im about to ovulate (and so is the nurse) because of how emotional I am, I have turned into a crying sissy...i'm normally a hard ass...wtf? Anyways I need to lip up and get on with it.
Today is my sis Lily's birthday....this day 5yrs ago she made me so clucky and want a baby of my own, I can't even describe the overwelming feeling I had...I was only 17! Happy 5th birthday my lil chicken.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Are we there yet??? This sucks. My marriage is suffering badly with all this ttc business and it probably will keep suffering until my happiness has returned. I just want my old life back, I miss how Toodles and I enjoyed each others company without the name calling and the resentment each of us holds (especially me). This weekend I tantrumed and acted like a 3yr old and I did not care one bit! Toodles then said to me 'I know your unhappy because we can't get pregnant', no matter how much I protested it was just because the kids were being brats, she was being a bitch etc I knew she was right...why have I let this take over me. I went in for bloods this morning, they couldn't find a vein and when they thought they finally got a needle one it collapsed..with me almost passed out on the floor with cold face washers on me. I just hope they got enough blood for this time. Dr Carey also told the nurses to try and get me through without any scans as I freak out...ok I didn't think I was that bad, I know I freeze up but I really don't like anyone touching my girl bits. I found out today that my cousin is preg again...with twins. This cousin is only 20, has an 18month old daughter and was a druggie and a shoplifter...now look at the turn around. Why is it that people that don't want kids end up with them and the people that try for years still are left empty handed or should I say empty wombed? I don't get it..I don't think i'm any more deserving of a pregnancy then the next person but I am prepared, I think I have alot to offer a child and I will love this child unconditionaly. I want to be a mother and I want to parent a child with my wife that is ours, no custody battles, no petty arguments about were the kids got headlice from and weekend swapping...a child that is loved right before they are even concieved, we have lived and breathed baby making for almost two years now and I can see how much this has effected my marriage to Toodles. We are both so over it but not willing to give up no matter how horrible we are to each other. Marriage is forever and I would not want to go through this with any other person. I love you Toodles.
Monday, October 19, 2009
We will be back in for scans on friday....I'm so lucky I have such a supportive boss, If I was her I would like to give me a slap up the side of the head. Pinky is now living with her father for the next two months (not that I think it will last that long) so now it's going to be a little more quieter at home. I think that Toodles made the decison after all the stress the kids have put us through these past few weeks with all the lies they have told their father...the kids are playing us all off each other, mainly Bluey. I really didn't want Pinky to go, I just keep reminding myself its only for two months and we don't need the stress at the moment. Lets hope this month works...even though Toodles said this will be our last try for the year it won't, I will keep going till I get her a baby.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Well AF showed herself this morning before I went in for blood tests, no baby this month. We will be starting gonal f injections again tomorrow, Toodles and the nurses keep telling me it will happen for us soon...thats not enough, I want it to happen now! This will be our last try for the year....I wished so much for us to be pregnant by christmas. I remember last year thinking there should be 3 stockings under the tree not 2, I was so sad that day..maybe its not ment to be this year.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Have been testing since Friday...so far they are all negative. Toodles keeps telling me it's because it's too early, According to the box it should be able to tell me as early as 7 days past conception. I didn't go to work today...I struggled to drag myself out of bed, I cannot go through another month of this. Toodles tells me I will and that we have to keep going. I spent every night crying for a week when we were on the needles, my boss even sent me home on a occasions because I wasn't coping. I had blood tests every morning for a week leading up to the insemination, it gets harder and harder every time I have to give myself an injection and the huge one at the end just about kills me. But I must say the worst thing is going through the motions of the insemination. I feel like a piece of meat on that table, it's the most unatural thing I have ever had to do, it's definatley not how I pictured getting pregnant. It hurts and even with valium I can't calm down. I just want it to happen for us. Toodles has said that we will try one more time in november if it doesnt work this month and thats it. Then we are off to get testing done for me and try to find out why my body is such a faliure. This all just sucks...each month we get slapped in the face and I end up spiraling more and more down into dissapointment and a sadness that just swallows me up. I hate how my life is taken up with baby making and baby making thoughts, I want to stop but there is no way Toodles will let me and I don't want to be a dissapointment to her. I am starting to resent my life...Toodles, the kids, work...everything! I hate feeling like this, I am a bitch for thinking these things. I don't know what I want anymore.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thats how many times I will probably test by Sunday. I know I said that I will wait till then as it would have been 10 days since insem but I really can't wait that long...how do they expect me to wait until the following friday for blood testing! I think I am going to cave and buy a test tonight while Toodles is at work. I know I really have no patience when it come to things like this! Also in recent news Bluey has moved in with his father full time as we have been having problems with him lately as he is always wanting to go there and having no regards for our family or anyone else for that matter. Hopefully he realises it's not all fun and games over there and comes home soon. We have seen baby Ahlia for the past two weekend and she is changing so fast...I wish I could just take her home. Hopefully we have one soon :)