Sunday, October 26, 2008

Monday morning rant!

Toodles has cancelled our insemination this month with our donor, never consulted me about it and I didn't get told about this until yesterday when I said make sure their prepared in 3 days. How can she do this, we have been trying so hard and this month she wants a break for no good reason! I'm angry, i'm hurt....i'm supposed to be marrying this women in 3 weeks and she has done so many things this past month to make me think less of her. What gives her the right to do this, she at least could have discussed it with me as ultimatly it concerns me too! I feel as though we have put in all this ground work to get where we are and now we keep delaying it. There is more fuel she's added to the fire but i'll leave it at that. How can i trust her?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

the poor me post

Today is just another crappy day. I'm sooky and tired, everything sucks! We are due for another insemination attempt next week. I'm finding its a battle trying to control my emotions, i'm angry at the world and poor Toodles is coping the brunt of it. I'm constantly thinking about babies and getting my hopes up..I'm finding it hard to function as a human being! We have so many events coming up, the wedding is in 3weeks and i'm so stressed! Christmas is fast approaching and it's just another sad reminder that we still have no buba in our arms and Pinky and Bluey will be at their this year sucks a big fat one! Last year thats what we had our hope set on, a new little baby in the family (or at least be very close to having one).
I'm not feeling good about anything anymore, will we ever get there??

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I feel like i've been hit by a truck!

yep no chance now...definatly AF, the cramping is horrendous and i'm not talking about the normal cramping oh no, it's like the I want to keel over and die cramping! A co-worker came in this avo with her new 1week old buba...he was the cutest thing ever and I so wanted to cry but I don't think that would have gone down too well. I guess i'm still feeling sorry for myself, it's not like I was let down too bad as i didn't feel pregnant, still I had a little bit of hope though. I was dropping Little Pinkie off at school the other day when she asks 'when will the baby be here', we used to say 'when mummy and I get back from Thailand', then it was 'after the wedding' now it's turned into 'after Christmas', she then groaned with disapointment 'aww this is taking forever, why couldn't you put the baby in your tummy sooner'! Yep wish it was that simple kid.
Little Bluey asks questions too but he normally has the answers to tell us! He speaks to Grandfather Joe (his great grandfather that passed away long before he was even born) and talks to his little sister Ella (he tells us it's the baby who got sick and had to go back to heaven and she'll be back when she's better), the Ella thing started when I lost the baby a few months back and constantky talks about her..we never named her Ella so I have no idea where this came from and we never even mentioned to the kids that I was pregnant in the first place. He's a very special little boy that probably needs a whole post of his own to explain all the other strange things he's told us..maybe another day.
On the Toodles front the wedding plannings are going full speed and so are the arguments, makes me remember why I put it off before...oh the joys of it all!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

not this time round

AF showed herself this morning, after a few tears I called Toodles at work to tell her. She is still being positive saying that it's probably just spotting and that it doesn't mean anything...god I love her. She has been calling this morning just to check how 'things' are going and if the bleeding has gotten heavier. Oh well I guess theres always next month....there wasn't a lucky 3 for us, maybe lucky 4? Back to focusing just on the wedding....I'm off to go feel sorry for myself and curse about how the world is so unfair!

Monday, October 13, 2008

the waiting game...

Still a terrible headache though but still no sign of AF. Toodles is bringing home some testers for us tonight so I guess we will just wait and see, we still have 3 days till our 2ww is up.
On another topic we did end up getting our dresses. They apparently sold my wedding dress the second day it was put back out in the showroom and had ordered another one for there stock which they gave me and all our bridesmaids and page boy suits were there. As soon as we walked through the door the girl at the counter ran out and got the manager who bagged everything up for us and sent us on our way..all that getting fired up for nothing! The day after I tried on my dress to make sure it still fitted and noticed two big runs down the back where they pinned it on the manequin..not happy, so it looks like I'm going back next weekend.
My mother liked the bridesmaids dresses but when I pulled mine out she turned up her nose and all she did was pick at it! Here I was standing in my dress almost in tears while she told me everything that was wrong with it, not once did she say 'thats pretty or thats nice'. Toodles was standing there in the room with us trying her hardest to bite her tongue..I'm glad she was there or I probably would have broken down. My mother can be so hurtful sometimes..she has no regards for anyone but herself, my step father was over the moon that I asked him to walk me down the isle...why can't my mother at least pretend that she cares, just for one day?
Anyway better get back to work and stop ranting, fingers crossed for the preg test tonight :)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

why does my body trick me?

Every little sign i could possibly find i put it down to 'maybe' being pregnant, I've had the nausea, sore boobs, dizzyness and extreme tiredness where i just collapse into bed at the end of the day. Today i've had a break out and the funny feeling in my tummy that tells me theres a period coming i'm not so confident now :(

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Worst day ever!

Toodles and I are getting married next month..well we were! I called our wedding dress shop to say that I will be picking up our layby tomorrow, they apparently cancelled our layby and returned the items to the shelf after we got them especially made, yes we were half a month late in getting them off but we were overseas! On top of all that we lost our 50% deposit of $1500, I am so mad. Oh and the icing on the cake is that they will all need to get re-made which will take 12 weeks and we get married in 5! Where the hell am I supposed to find a Brides dress, 4 Bridesmaid dresses (which was hard enough agreeing on the first time as they are all different sizes) and 2 page boy outfits, I am irate! hmm Toodles just called me back and apparently it's all my fault as I didn't call them earlier..of course it is! I'm going to go hide in a corner and cry, nothing seems to be going our way lately :(

Monday, October 6, 2008

Insemination Update

Well Friday went ok...i think. Toodles and I had DD and KS over for tea and to do the deed, it was a little awkward but i guess it was like all the other times. DD and KS go of to do their thing while Toodles and I patiently wait on the couch. I don't feel too confident about this months try, I think my dates were a little off but secretly i'm praying it worked..fingers crossed :) These first few days of the 2ww have flown, i havent really thought about it like the other trys..I guess i'm not really expecting anything. I'm not sure how Toodles is felling about it, she tends to keep to herself. We are trying to focus on the wedding has been postponed twice now, i just want to get it over with! Toodles has found a perfect place, it is right where we were the night we had dinner before she proposed. It's lovely and I finally get to have my beach wedding..yay :)