Monday, December 21, 2009

1 year 6 months 2 weeks and 4 days

Thats how long we have been ttc. If you think about it, thats a huge chunk out of someones life to be hanging onto hope and playing the waiting game. I am so impatient and love being in control that this is seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do, this is not what I pictured I would be doing at 20 and 21 and 22...hopefully I won't be still hanging on for hope when im 23! Another sucky christmas with ruined expectations, no third stocking under the tree, no 'my first christmas' paraphernalia, no passing a new baby around the family (ok there will be passing of a new baby but it won't be mine). I can only just imagine how much joy my brother and his partner will be sharing with their 3 month old this christmas, why can't I have that? I stood at the doorway of our nursery and cried more than I have in a long time last weekend, it has been such a big year for us and we have nothing to show for all our hard work. No evidence of the 7am visits to the hospital every morning or the internal examinations or inseminations we did. No evidence of all the prodding, poking and injections that left welts on my stomach or all the blood draws which left bruises down my arm that made me look like a junkie. Another year wasted, Another year I will spend doing this again. When will this get easier?

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