Sunday, October 11, 2009

How many more negatives am I going to get!

Have been testing since far they are all negative. Toodles keeps telling me it's because it's too early, According to the box it should be able to tell me as early as 7 days past conception. I didn't go to work today...I struggled to drag myself out of bed, I cannot go through another month of this. Toodles tells me I will and that we have to keep going. I spent every night crying for a week when we were on the needles, my boss even sent me home on a occasions because I wasn't coping. I had blood tests every morning for a week leading up to the insemination, it gets harder and harder every time I have to give myself an injection and the huge one at the end just about kills me. But I must say the worst thing is going through the motions of the insemination. I feel like a piece of meat on that table, it's the most unatural thing I have ever had to do, it's definatley not how I pictured getting pregnant. It hurts and even with valium I can't calm down. I just want it to happen for us. Toodles has said that we will try one more time in november if it doesnt work this month and thats it. Then we are off to get testing done for me and try to find out why my body is such a faliure. This all just sucks...each month we get slapped in the face and I end up spiraling more and more down into dissapointment and a sadness that just swallows me up. I hate how my life is taken up with baby making and baby making thoughts, I want to stop but there is no way Toodles will let me and I don't want to be a dissapointment to her. I am starting to resent my life...Toodles, the kids, work...everything! I hate feeling like this, I am a bitch for thinking these things. I don't know what I want anymore.

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