Saturday, October 31, 2009

Where do I fit in?

I have tortured myself again this morning by reading dead baby mama blogs. I can't explain why I do it but I end up sitting hear with tears rolling down my face for every single story I read. I don't know where I belong in blog land. I have 2 step-children but don't feel like I can contribute to parenting blogs, I feel like a fraud..they aren't really mine are they? I can't talk to new mums about late nights, collicy babies or changing nappies as I did not experience that with my step-kids as I came when they were 2 and 5. I don't fit in with the dead baby mama's either as I have not lost a full term baby, like many mama's say 'a miscariage is so much more different then a full term baby'. They are right...I have no idea.

I haven't spoken about this on my blog before but when I was 17 that was the first time I had a bub in my womb, we named her Kiara. My bf and I wanted a 'K' name as his whole family had K names and my name also started with K. I was so scared no one knew besides my best friend. The relationship with my bf at the time soured and he started getting rough with me, he never hit me but pushed me around enough to leave bruises. I still remember the night he tried to leave and I wanted him to stay...I didn't weigh much and he easily pushed me out of the way slamming me into the wall. I was only a few weeks along and I miscarried that night. I never truely knew what the sex of the baby was but in my heart I knew she was a girl. A part of me died that night, I still blame myself for letting it happen. She would be four.
My second miscarriage was last year, we didn't even realise we were pregnant. My step-son has this strange sixth sense and says he talks to her and her name is Ella and she was sick and had to go back to jesus (I have written about this before). He didn't even know I was pregnant.

There are plenty of miscarriage blogs out there but after reading full term baby losses it makes my loss seem so small, I had nothing to hold, no picures to show off....I have nothing. I have no proof that a baby no matter how small even existed. I don't even have ultrasound pictures to hold onto.

I don't even have the right to join infertility blogs. I'm not infertile even though we are doing IUI, there is nothing medically wrong with me in fact the drs say I am very fertile...i'm just a lesbian. Even though I could be going through the motions of doing an IUI cycle the same as a straight couple i'm immediatly shunned because 'I don't know their pain because my body has not shut down on me'. I feel like saying 'fair enough, but you have sperm on tap and I don't'.

Every month I struggle, I have lost who I am. I have turned into a depressed narky bitch, my marriage is struggling, my step-kids no longer live with us and I didn't fight it, I have finished fighting...i'm living in my own little shell and pushing my friends, family and the rest of the world out. I see my nurses and drs more then I see my own family and my parents only live down the road. I want the old Kristy back but i'm not sure if that is ever going to happen.

1 comment:

Alex said...

I don't usually comment on blogs but your story is close enough to mine that I felt your pain and wanted to send you some encouragement and let you know you're not alone in all this.

You do belong with other baby loss blogs. Every loss is horrible and no loss is too small to not be counted. I've lost a baby at 10 weeks, 1 at 6 weeks and recently a still birth at 19 weeks. All terrible losses, I grieve for all of them. You don't just mourn the loss of what you had, you mourn what you will never have, all your dreams for that baby, gone. Please don't ever feel like you don't have a right to grieve, that you loss wasn't big enough. I've read other blogs and cried my eyes out for their loses, and I'm grateful I didn't get to 39 weeks and then loose my daughter, I got to 19 weeks and that was bad enough. Every baby you lost counts, your grief is real and meaningful.

I too am medically fertile. I have no physical problems, no issues why I can conceive and keep a pregnancy. I've been trying for 2 years. 3 pregnancies, 3 losses and 6 cycles of unexplained infertility. It is a long, hard road. I too find myself withdrawing from family, closing in on myself, I'm tired of explaining and sometimes I'm tired of living this ridiculous experience, it's not supposed to happen this way. I'm single, I just never found the right guy, and at 36 I'm done looking. I don't have sperm on tap either. Not being in a traditional hetero relationship or any relationship at all and trying to have a baby freaks people out. Luckily my doctor is great, unfortunately others aren't always. I feel your frustration and it stinks that people are still so small minded about all this.

Sorry to leave such a long comment but so much of what you said hit home with me. I wish you the best of luck with everything and I hope that knowing you aren't the only one helps you just a little bit on your journey.