Thursday, February 26, 2009

One day to go!

We did another test in the early of of this morning, you know those ones with the writting that actually say 'not pregnant' (just to rub it in a bit more). Tomorrow my favourite aunty, flo is expected to show herself...not too thrilled about that. I really don't know what else I can do but save up for a year so the we can start on the clinical so not looking forward to tyring to concieve our 'love child' in such a sterile environmet. A little bit down about everything today. The reality of having another babyless christmas is setting in if we aren't preg by next month, I really am not looking forward to it. The kids are home with us this year for christmas and we were excited about all of us having our first christmas together with the bub, now it looks like if we are lucky to have one it won't be till next year and the whole family will be split up for christmas :( I also wanted a bub badley this month so that it would be so close in age to my brothers bub. Oh well, you can't dictate to these things can you. I am starting to think that it will never happen. Am I being punnished for something, is this gods way of punnishing me because im gay?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Thank you Toodles for the gift of Pinky and Bluey

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I
see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what
you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the
laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in
the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle
of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone
and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the
backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once,
not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine
for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one
if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what
you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess
every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake
cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to
McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you
can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the
tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late
while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for
hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through
your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful
that God has given me the gift of you.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are
searching for their missing children, the mothers
and fathers who are visiting their children's graves
instead of their bedrooms, the childless couple that
will do anything and everything to bring a baby home,
and the mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly, and
screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a
little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that
I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing,
except one more day.............

Another down day.

Did another pregnancy test, still negative. I really don't have much hope for this try, this was also our last try with DD. Toodles no longer wants to use him as he suggested that I sleep with him to increase our chances and keep it a secret from everyone. I guess now we will end up going back down the clinic route but have no idea when that will be as it is going to cost us thousands. Toodles cried all last night because I think the reality of it all is finally kicking in, I really just don't know what else to do. It has been almost a year since we first tried and still have got nothing to show for it all except frustration and saddness. I feel so bad, I thought of only how I was coping through all this but it didn't even hit me till last week how hard Toodles has been taking it all. She normally keeps things in but has been really teary lately, she desperatly wants this as much as I do..I just didn't know how much.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

6 more days!

I'm not sure how i'm feeling, I guess a little bit emotional. I have had severe cramping this past week. Toodles and I went to grafton for the Ulmara races with Kylie and Daniel last weekend and had a ball. It was good to keep my mind of the whole baby thing. I tested early this morning and got a negative, it would be an understatement to say that i'm upset but am still holding onto hope because it still is early (now I have to replace the preg test before Toodles gets home and finds out i've done one without her). I really am praying to god that it has stuck this time. Toodles has been so excited and I don't want to let her down. I have been throwing up a fair bit but that could be put down to bad chinese I ate, I have been tired but then again i'm always tired. I havent had any symptoms to say tha AF is coming so I guess we'll just have to wait and see. This waiting game sure does suck, I just want to know!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The 2WW!

I'm back on the 2WW rollercoaster, don't know weather to be excited about that or not...the waiting game is very painful. All went well on Friday and was quicker then usual (that I was greatful for). Toodles was asleep on the couch with me 15mins after the insemination while I watched Medium. I'm sure I got my timing right and am a bit more positive about this attempt then our last one, I really hope it works because I don't want to put Toodles through that dissapointment again. Fingers Crossed :)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Tonights the night!!

Tonight will be our fourth insemination attempt. I'm nervous and excited at the same time, it will be the first attempt without KS being their and I really hope it won't be awkward (we have to give him our room to do his 'thing' in tonight'. I really hope it works, I can't take another dissapointment and I don't think Toodles could either. Last night KS and I had a chat on the way to McDonalds and she told me how she is going to be struggling these next few days as Friday the 13th is a special day for her a DD. They got together on a friday the 13th, he proposed to her on friday the 13th and they were due to get married next month on friday the 13th. Now I feel really bad that im 'stealing' her day. We havent told her that we are using him tonight and we kinda lied and said that we were doing something special for valentines day and to clear out. I've just got mixed feeling about the whole situation. I only just found out she misscarried a week ago, why do babies have to die? I'm scared that even if we do get pregnant there is a long road to the finish line...I can't get excited till I have the baby in my arms. I wish I was still innocent and niave so I could just enjoy it!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Hump day, yay!

Things have settled down a bit in the house of crazy. I have gotten to know Smokie alot better over this week, we have decided that we want to do this baby thing together. She is going on 28 and without a partner but wants a baby almost as badly as I do. I took her on a tour of all the sperm donor directorys on the net and talked her through how its done, I'm so excited at the prospect that we could be on this journey together :) Toodles has been a little jealous at all the time i've been spending with her's hard to explain but Smokie just gets me, we are so similar it's uncanny. KS is still rocking the boat at home and I don't think ignoring it will make the problem go away. She told us she had no money and that she really needed to pay of all her credit cards, so stupid us are letting her stay there and just pay for food...she went out yesterday and bought a $28,000 car WTF??? Not impressed.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

12 Days and counting!

Well our next insemination is on Friday the 13th, wonder if it will be good or bad luck?? I have been speaking to the donor almost every day, he is a great guy and am so happy we choose him. If I was straight he would definatley be the sort of guy I would go for!
The kids have started back at school...It's Bluey's first year and Pinkie's first year at that school, so far she is loving it and hasnt had a problem making friends, Bluey has his first day tomorrow. They both look so cute in their uniforms that I had to give them an extra squishy hug. Things at home have slightly improved and even though Smokie is over quite a bit now I really am enjoying the extra help for once. KS on the other hand is still as selfish as ever and even called Pinkie a bitch after she broke a 'pinky swear' promise not to tell on KS after she smoked all over her in the car. The kid is 7 for goodness sake and we have had many conversations on not keeping secrets that are bad (Toodles is a smoker and Pinky thinks that is the worst thing ever).
I really am confident about trying this month. I have been taking my vitamins and am inseminating a day before ovulation so I know I havent missed it. Please cross all your fingers and toes for my guys :)

On a sadder note a lady I work with may lose her grandchild over the next week. Her daughters dr told her that it looks like the baby had stopped growing and she is going in for more testing next week on Tuesday. To top it all off she may also have the measles but the hospital told her it was only a rash and gave her steroids even though they new it could hurt the baby. They are very upset and my collegue has been secretly crying in her office this past week. Please keep the whole family in your prayers.