Another year older, Another year lost

Yesterday I turned 22, it was just like another day and I wanted to keep it like that. Why is it that every holiday, birthday or anniversary I feel dispear and hoplessness? I keep thinking 'This time next year we will have a baby, This time next year I will be happy'. Why do I put myself through this, I have been doing this for the past 2years...why? What happens when I get pregnant (hoping I do and don't jinx it)? I will then be worrying about misscarriage then stillbirth then SIDS. I am scared that when I do get what I want it will be taken away, I just want to be happy but am always waiting for the next drama to happen. I should be happy. I have Toodles who is my world, I have to great step kids but that still isn't enough. Why do I have this strong urge to have a biological child here with me, I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.