Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year TXT

Heres a text i recieved early this morning that hit home:
Happy New Years, hoping that the new year brings you all the joy and happiness that you deserve and want...heres to making it the best year of our lives, may dreams come true and aspirations realised with determination. Sending you lots of love xoxoxo

The best part is that it was sent from the person who can make our dreams come true for 2009, heres hoping...fingers crossed :)

Happy New Year!

Heres hoping that 2009 is better than 2008 :) ok I guess I have nothing really to complain about, Toodles and I accomplished alot in 2008 and finally tied the knot! This year i'm focusing on our family's happiness and being the best person that I can be. We are also trying to get our relationship back on track and possibly looking at other ways of conceiving. Our donor and his fiance are back in a bad place and it doesnt like they are going to pull themselves out of it anytime soon, rather then dwelling on it we need to move on i guess. I will also be picking up our wedding photos today so i'm pretty excited about that! We ended up having a quiet night to bring in the new year, we took the kids on a bike ride down to were they had fire works going was nice to just sit with the 3 of them and relax :) We came home and had a swim (it was stinking hot) and put the kids to bed, we ended up hitting the sack around 10:30. I feel like im getting old lol.
My 21st was nice. We are having a party next week as everyone is away for chrissy. Toodles and I spent the day at Byron Bay swimming and bush walking, we finished up the day having dinner with family...just magic :)

Saturday, December 27, 2008

21 tomorrow!

Well tomorrow marks 21 years since i've been here on this earth. I really don't understand all the hype that is associated with the 21 mark, it's really just another year older to me. Toodles has insisted that we have a party which we wont be doing till January as everyone is away over christmas. I'm pretty lucky for a 21yr old though, I have gotten everything most people are lucky to have by the time there 30 or 40!
I met Toodles when I was 14 and started seeing each other when I was 18, became a step mum to her 2 children (then aged 2 and 4), moved completely out of home by the time I was 19 and bought our first house together, got engaged on my 20th birthday and got married 11 months later and all through the past 2years we have been on this baby making journey together.
We have had so many ups and downs. We have supported each other in coming out to our families, I have supported Toodles through her bitter divorce, we have been taken to court twice this year about the kids, we have found our donor and Toodles has been there and supported me through the rollercoaster of every 2WW.
I guess we have been through a lot in the three years we have been together, but there is no way I would want to go through all of this with anyone else, she is my strength and I love her for every experience she has given me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There should be three!

Don't get me wrong I love being gay, I really do. I love my Toodles, I love her kids and I love our lifestyle. However I do resent straight couples, especially straight pregnant women...and yeah I guess I resent Toodles as well, she got to pretend for a few years and got 2 beautiful children out of it. How is that fair! I can't just have sex every night, it all has to be planned out..charting, peeing on sticks, basil temperatures, looking for any sign of mucus to tell me that i'm ovulating, then I get one lousy night a month to get it right...thats only 12 nights a year (providing DD doesnt wank himself off, have sex or is busy around the time we need him). Really I have more chance of winning the lottery! I do know in the straight world there are people out there who have their fair share of disapointment and grief aswell (i'm not that niave), and to anyone who has experienced infertility, miscarriage or loss of a child i'm am so sorry, life is a bitch!

Last night we had christmas with pinkie and bluey because they went to their fathers today. They had a blast (will post pics soon) there was wrapping paper and toys everywhere..only just finished cleaning up. They are so spoilt...i think it's because Toodles still feels guilty from taking them away from their father. Anyways all was going great, the kids had gone to bed and we were loading up their christmas sacks and placing presents around their trees, thats when it hit me 'we should be doing this for three kids!'. I broke down crying..I don't mean just a few tears but huge sobs. Poor Toodles didn't know what was wrong with me, when I told her she gave me a look that said 'get over it'. It's alright for her, she has 2 kids..she has experienced the lot. I know she wants a bub of our own but I don't think she gets how hard it is for me. Yes she is on the 2WW rollercoaster with me everytime and always gets her hopes up only to be let down, she inseminates the baby juice herself and is with me everystep of the way...but at the end of the day if us having a bubba doesn't work out she still has two beautiful children.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bah Humbug

Well it’s coming up to Christmas and still nothing yet. I keep thinking if we didn’t lose the baby it would be almost due now, we would be painting the nursery and loading it up with lots of pressies. Instead i’m slowly getting there with all the preparations for the family coming over on Christmas day and looking longingly at all the cute baby stockings and ‘baby’s first christmas’ tree ornaments. It’s killing me more and more every day, Toodles has started pointing out babies in strollers at the shops and scanning k-mart catalogues for baby toys (ok we have gone a little overboard and bought a few things that are on special). I keep thinking last Christmas we decided this would be the year and that by this year we would be celebrating with a bubba. Is this what it will be like next Christmas? Will we still be longing for something that we don’t yet have? Toodles and I have been fighting a fair bit lately and I know most of it is because I just don’t have the patience anymore and because she doesn’t have the patience for me. I’m hurting...i’m still in that poor me faze. Toodles casually talks about this miscarriage like it’s no big deal (when at the time we were shattered, I think I was shocked at first because we hadn’t even realised I fell pregnant. Toodles cried for half an hr in the shower and I didn’t cry until the next night and then we broke down together. All I can remember is feeling so bad for Toodles, I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted and that broke my heart.) Anyway, i’m supposed to be over that grieving stage since we weren’t even that far along but I can’t stop thinking ‘What If’? When will I feel happiness again?
Time doesn’t heal everything, it only makes it worse!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Just another day

I feel like i'm stuck in a rutt that I can't get out of. I've been so emotional this past week and everything has been setting me off. Life sux, baby making sux...I hate it all!

Monday, November 24, 2008

not this month

our donor had's round over already :(

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm now Mrs Toodles!

Hey everyone,
Things have been so hectic so havent posted in a while. Toodles and I finally did it, we got married! The day before I was like bridezilla times 10 (well donna did leave me with 3kids in the middle of a shopping mall and went to the pub but told me that she was leaving to pick up the cake and my bridesmaid who was waiting at the train station for an hr!) anyways we managed to get everything done in time and when I arrived at the ceremony it was perfect! Toodles was waiting at the end of the Isle for me with her best mans and cute, I will still have that image in my head for as long as i'll live. Toodles was just soo gorgeous..I cannot put it into words how much I love her and how my heart skipped like 5 beats when I saw her, it still blows me away! My head is still too overloaded to fully re-cap the days events..will have to repost later.

On the baby front we are about to strat trying this month. We had a scare 2weeks ago when KS and DonorD broke up (ok I was supportive to KS when she turned up on our door step at 11pm in tears but I did feel a lil bit sorry for me which I know is totally selfish) but all is good they are now back together and taking things slow, donor D said no matter what he will still honor his promise and give us a child (which i was so not expecting). Anyway very hectic week and I'm still just starting to come back to reality.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Monday morning rant!

Toodles has cancelled our insemination this month with our donor, never consulted me about it and I didn't get told about this until yesterday when I said make sure their prepared in 3 days. How can she do this, we have been trying so hard and this month she wants a break for no good reason! I'm angry, i'm hurt....i'm supposed to be marrying this women in 3 weeks and she has done so many things this past month to make me think less of her. What gives her the right to do this, she at least could have discussed it with me as ultimatly it concerns me too! I feel as though we have put in all this ground work to get where we are and now we keep delaying it. There is more fuel she's added to the fire but i'll leave it at that. How can i trust her?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

the poor me post

Today is just another crappy day. I'm sooky and tired, everything sucks! We are due for another insemination attempt next week. I'm finding its a battle trying to control my emotions, i'm angry at the world and poor Toodles is coping the brunt of it. I'm constantly thinking about babies and getting my hopes up..I'm finding it hard to function as a human being! We have so many events coming up, the wedding is in 3weeks and i'm so stressed! Christmas is fast approaching and it's just another sad reminder that we still have no buba in our arms and Pinky and Bluey will be at their this year sucks a big fat one! Last year thats what we had our hope set on, a new little baby in the family (or at least be very close to having one).
I'm not feeling good about anything anymore, will we ever get there??

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I feel like i've been hit by a truck!

yep no chance now...definatly AF, the cramping is horrendous and i'm not talking about the normal cramping oh no, it's like the I want to keel over and die cramping! A co-worker came in this avo with her new 1week old buba...he was the cutest thing ever and I so wanted to cry but I don't think that would have gone down too well. I guess i'm still feeling sorry for myself, it's not like I was let down too bad as i didn't feel pregnant, still I had a little bit of hope though. I was dropping Little Pinkie off at school the other day when she asks 'when will the baby be here', we used to say 'when mummy and I get back from Thailand', then it was 'after the wedding' now it's turned into 'after Christmas', she then groaned with disapointment 'aww this is taking forever, why couldn't you put the baby in your tummy sooner'! Yep wish it was that simple kid.
Little Bluey asks questions too but he normally has the answers to tell us! He speaks to Grandfather Joe (his great grandfather that passed away long before he was even born) and talks to his little sister Ella (he tells us it's the baby who got sick and had to go back to heaven and she'll be back when she's better), the Ella thing started when I lost the baby a few months back and constantky talks about her..we never named her Ella so I have no idea where this came from and we never even mentioned to the kids that I was pregnant in the first place. He's a very special little boy that probably needs a whole post of his own to explain all the other strange things he's told us..maybe another day.
On the Toodles front the wedding plannings are going full speed and so are the arguments, makes me remember why I put it off before...oh the joys of it all!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

not this time round

AF showed herself this morning, after a few tears I called Toodles at work to tell her. She is still being positive saying that it's probably just spotting and that it doesn't mean anything...god I love her. She has been calling this morning just to check how 'things' are going and if the bleeding has gotten heavier. Oh well I guess theres always next month....there wasn't a lucky 3 for us, maybe lucky 4? Back to focusing just on the wedding....I'm off to go feel sorry for myself and curse about how the world is so unfair!

Monday, October 13, 2008

the waiting game...

Still a terrible headache though but still no sign of AF. Toodles is bringing home some testers for us tonight so I guess we will just wait and see, we still have 3 days till our 2ww is up.
On another topic we did end up getting our dresses. They apparently sold my wedding dress the second day it was put back out in the showroom and had ordered another one for there stock which they gave me and all our bridesmaids and page boy suits were there. As soon as we walked through the door the girl at the counter ran out and got the manager who bagged everything up for us and sent us on our way..all that getting fired up for nothing! The day after I tried on my dress to make sure it still fitted and noticed two big runs down the back where they pinned it on the manequin..not happy, so it looks like I'm going back next weekend.
My mother liked the bridesmaids dresses but when I pulled mine out she turned up her nose and all she did was pick at it! Here I was standing in my dress almost in tears while she told me everything that was wrong with it, not once did she say 'thats pretty or thats nice'. Toodles was standing there in the room with us trying her hardest to bite her tongue..I'm glad she was there or I probably would have broken down. My mother can be so hurtful sometimes..she has no regards for anyone but herself, my step father was over the moon that I asked him to walk me down the isle...why can't my mother at least pretend that she cares, just for one day?
Anyway better get back to work and stop ranting, fingers crossed for the preg test tonight :)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

why does my body trick me?

Every little sign i could possibly find i put it down to 'maybe' being pregnant, I've had the nausea, sore boobs, dizzyness and extreme tiredness where i just collapse into bed at the end of the day. Today i've had a break out and the funny feeling in my tummy that tells me theres a period coming i'm not so confident now :(

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Worst day ever!

Toodles and I are getting married next month..well we were! I called our wedding dress shop to say that I will be picking up our layby tomorrow, they apparently cancelled our layby and returned the items to the shelf after we got them especially made, yes we were half a month late in getting them off but we were overseas! On top of all that we lost our 50% deposit of $1500, I am so mad. Oh and the icing on the cake is that they will all need to get re-made which will take 12 weeks and we get married in 5! Where the hell am I supposed to find a Brides dress, 4 Bridesmaid dresses (which was hard enough agreeing on the first time as they are all different sizes) and 2 page boy outfits, I am irate! hmm Toodles just called me back and apparently it's all my fault as I didn't call them earlier..of course it is! I'm going to go hide in a corner and cry, nothing seems to be going our way lately :(

Monday, October 6, 2008

Insemination Update

Well Friday went ok...i think. Toodles and I had DD and KS over for tea and to do the deed, it was a little awkward but i guess it was like all the other times. DD and KS go of to do their thing while Toodles and I patiently wait on the couch. I don't feel too confident about this months try, I think my dates were a little off but secretly i'm praying it worked..fingers crossed :) These first few days of the 2ww have flown, i havent really thought about it like the other trys..I guess i'm not really expecting anything. I'm not sure how Toodles is felling about it, she tends to keep to herself. We are trying to focus on the wedding has been postponed twice now, i just want to get it over with! Toodles has found a perfect place, it is right where we were the night we had dinner before she proposed. It's lovely and I finally get to have my beach wedding..yay :)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Insecurities much??

Well it's my 3rd day back at work after my week of sickness and i feel the bug still lurking..eeck! Toodles and I have been at each others throats for the past 3days and what was supposed to be the end of a chilled out month has turned into a bitter bitch fest...oh the joys of being with a female! Last night turned into a yelling match about DD (our donor) because when we first started (6 months ag0) he was not suposed to have anything to do with the that has changed as Toodles is best buds with his fiance, works with her and we are in business with them and everyone of our friends and co-workers know what we are doing. Ok I know what they are doing is a big ask and I love them for it but what was supposed to be an intimate and private thing between my Toodles and me has turned into a community makes me want to go back down the clinic path just so we can have a bit of privacy, i want this baby more than anything but most of all I want it to feel like ours without any interferance. Am I asking too much? Toodles thinks I am, she thinks im overeacting and says she doesnt care about any of that and keeps saying we'll deal with that when and 'if' it happens (personally I think she is being a little niave) I guess i'm just hurt that she keeps saying she doesn't care and 'whatever', that can mean two things a) she really just does not give a crap about anything that concerns me or
b) she doesn't care as long as we get a baby out of this
I hope it's b as I really don't want to think that she just does not care about anything!

I'm feeling excited but scared at the same time about this insemination. I have a good feeling that it may work this month as I have been stress free and the fact that we have had a break for 3months until we came back from Thailand..this month we are really ready for it! On the other hand i'm worried about another failed pregnancy...I'm feeling sick just thinking about another 2ww..peeing on sticks everyday, looking for the slightest signs.. I really envy people who can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, one of my collegues had a beautiful baby boy on Sunday and i was the one who had to write up the notice to stick on the staff board..ironic really (ok i sound like a total bitch but deep down i am happy for her...honest).
I should really get back to work, i'll post how friday goes...fingers crossed.

Miss K

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Lucky 3

5 days till we have our 3rd insemination attempt...a few mixed feelings for me, our first ended in a miscarriage and the second was just a blur. I must say the 2ww is a bitch...i have lost count at how many preg tests we have done through this period to be dissapointed with a negative (ok of course its going to be a neg when you test on the fourth day, we just cant help ourselves) Our donor and his fiance are amazing, they are always ready when we are KS (the fiance..yes i need to think of nicknames) works with my Toodles and prob knows my cycle better than me! I am forever greatful to these 2, i honestly don't think i could do what we ask of them.

Friday, September 26, 2008

What a month!

Toodles and I have just spent 2 long weeks in Thailand, it was the most amazing experience (apart from our sicknesses 2 days into the trip) and are already trying to tee up next years big holiday :) We both had sickies for the past week..(im not complaining) it was great to be able to spend time together and little pinkie and bluey will be at there fathers over the next week for school hols...overall its been a pretty relaxing month!