Sunday, October 25, 2009

We are on this rollercoaster until we finish!

Are we there yet??? This sucks. My marriage is suffering badly with all this ttc business and it probably will keep suffering until my happiness has returned. I just want my old life back, I miss how Toodles and I enjoyed each others company without the name calling and the resentment each of us holds (especially me). This weekend I tantrumed and acted like a 3yr old and I did not care one bit! Toodles then said to me 'I know your unhappy because we can't get pregnant', no matter how much I protested it was just because the kids were being brats, she was being a bitch etc I knew she was right...why have I let this take over me. I went in for bloods this morning, they couldn't find a vein and when they thought they finally got a needle one it collapsed..with me almost passed out on the floor with cold face washers on me. I just hope they got enough blood for this time. Dr Carey also told the nurses to try and get me through without any scans as I freak out...ok I didn't think I was that bad, I know I freeze up but I really don't like anyone touching my girl bits. I found out today that my cousin is preg again...with twins. This cousin is only 20, has an 18month old daughter and was a druggie and a look at the turn around. Why is it that people that don't want kids end up with them and the people that try for years still are left empty handed or should I say empty wombed? I don't get it..I don't think i'm any more deserving of a pregnancy then the next person but I am prepared, I think I have alot to offer a child and I will love this child unconditionaly. I want to be a mother and I want to parent a child with my wife that is ours, no custody battles, no petty arguments about were the kids got headlice from and weekend swapping...a child that is loved right before they are even concieved, we have lived and breathed baby making for almost two years now and I can see how much this has effected my marriage to Toodles. We are both so over it but not willing to give up no matter how horrible we are to each other. Marriage is forever and I would not want to go through this with any other person. I love you Toodles.

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