Thursday, January 29, 2009

Blast from the past!

I'm sitting here at work this morning when I get a message on facebook from a step sister that I have never met.
Let me give you a little back ground before I continue:
When I was 12 my father went to the states to meet up with a lady he met over the internet, he came back and told us that she and her six children were moving over here to be one big family with us. My brothers and I were excited at the prospect of having 9 kids in the house, we went house hunting with my father and found a huge house with acreage and the best tree house I had ever seen in my 12yrs, he told us we were going to all live was like all my christmas' had come at once. I could not have been happier.
Fast forward to 3 months later, my father left for the states to bring 'our new family' home and never returned. So many broken promises of coming to see us and a few empty phone calls a couple of times a year....he never did come back and after the 3rd year of him being gone my brothers only just started to realise that he wasnt coming home.

I have been filled with so much hurt and anger for the past nine yrs and am still battling with my demons everday. Without anything been said I blamed my father and have gotten use to his parents feeling bad for us and sending us christmas and birthday presents saying they were from him. Why did he always promise to come back for a visit and never did? He missed my graduation, 18th, wedding and just recently my 21st. Now my brothers have to go through all those missed milestones as I did and I feel bad. He has a grandkid on the way that he won't even get to know (hopefully there will be 2).

I received a msg from Ali saying how sorry she was for everything and if she could change it all she would. She also told me that I shouldn't be angry at my father as everything is not what it seems. I really had no idea what she was going on about so after talking to her for a few minutes I asked her to elaborate. Apparently my father saved up so many times to come back but his 'wife' (and I use that term loosely) had a spending problem and took all his money. She controlled him and her kids so Ali left (she is 17 now). She lied about haveing cancer and many other illnesses and gave herself self inflicted injuries by popping pills to stuff her body up. The kids real father lived downstairs in their house and sexually abused the kids. WTF is wrong with this women? She told us that she adopted two of the kids she said where her nieces because ther mother was a drug addict and left them on her doorstep. I just found out that they werent her nieces and their mother wasnt her sister at all, they were foster kids that were there for only a few months. Ali doesnt even really remember who they are.
I feel like a huge weight is lifted of my father really did care, he tried to come home but she did everything to stop him. I also feel sad, that he is stuck over there trying his best to make a go of real family but them. His whole family is here!
I really don't know whether I will see him again, I guess I have not really thought about it that much. If he does come back I don't know how I would react, I would feel like I was betraying my step-dad because he has looked after us and done everything for us all this time.
When we were kids he was a fun dad. He took us places and did things with us, mum never really had time for my brothers and I.
I really dont know if I still want him to come back after all these years.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Where's My Cookie??

I had a great time on Saturday, all my family and friends from work came. Toodles hired a jukebox and kareoke machine and we stayed up till late dancing and singing, yep our neighbours love I also had a shock when my brother pulled me aside to tell me that he just found out his gf was pregnant and was freaking out (they are 19 and 18), my parents still don't know. I was so excited, i'm going to be an aunty! It really is a catch 22, im really excited for them but on the other hand i'm crushed as we have been trying for so long and they didn't even plan it.
Pinkie and Bluey came home it mean of me to want to send them back? We have KS and our other mate 'Smokie' over. All they have done for the past 3 days is drink and smoke themselves stupid. I really am over the house sharing, they have taken over the kids space and KS dog wees and poos all over the house and she wont even clean it up..not to mention that she still literally stalks DD. I really miss the 2 weeks that I had with just Toodles! I want my life back, i'm sad and 21 but feel more like 40. What is wrong with me! I'm really struggling, I dont want to be here but I cant leave. Oh and to top my lovely weekend of my cars engine has blown up on me.
The world owes me a cookie today!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's all good.

Had the biggest skitzo last night! Toodles turned up home with another tag along (this happens often). We already have a full house so I really am over it, I really like my personal space. After 3hours of horrible words between us we just gave up and went to bed. It's like i'm talking to a brick wall! I think things have cooled off now, she is in the middle of ordering my Birthday Cake for tomorrow. Even though it's a month over due im having my 21st party. Should be interesting. Toodles has orderd a juke box and kareoke machine :)
I have been talking to our donor a bit over the past few days (i'm in the middle of talking to him on face book now lol), he is really nice and has offered a shoulder to lean on anytime. He really listens to what i have to say, its great! I know I have made the right choice by going with him.

I just feel yuck! My heart hurts, my tummy hurts and now my head hurts. I just wish Toodles and I could be happy, life really wasn't ment to be like this.
It's over. Lets just leave it at that for now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New housemate

Well yesterday we aquired a new house buddy. DD and his gf KS have split for good so KS has moved in with us. I've already had a bit of a tiff with Toodles about it, now I can't just be me. Yesterday when I heard her car pull up I had to run to get changed (i was on the couch in a singlet and was 8pm), I feel like I can't just snuggle with Toodles on the couch or do our usual little smoochy things. It makes it even more awkward when she's letting of steam about DD and saying how bad he is when he is giving me the biggest gift of all. Yes it's horrible that he ended their relationship but if they haven't been happy for a while isn't it the best thing for both of them? We have agreed on trying again next month and have spoken to him a few times in the past week. Poor Toodles is getting over all the baby talk, I know she is feeling it too but she chooses not to speak about her feelings much. I am over all the baby talk too, I just wish I could move on and have the attitude 'it happens when it happens'. I dwell on things too much and it just ends up depressing me, I know i'm young and I have plenty of time but what if something happens and I don't? Because I don't have a partner who can shoot sperm whenever I want it I spend all month planning for that one day, it's hard!
I'm glad I have this place to vent or I don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening guys :)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Babies Everywhere!

Yesterday a collegue of mine brought his 10 day old son in to show him off (this is the norm at our work, once you have a baby you bring it in to get passed around to about 20 diff people). He was gorgeous and soo small! I did ok, I held him for about 15mins and fussed over him while his daddy went of to get some lunch. That afternoon another collegue of mine came out to chat when she had to run off to the bathroom, she came back saying how sick she had been...I jokingly asked 'you sure your not pregnant'? She looked at me for a minute and said actually I am (apparently no one at our work knows and wants to keep it that way as she has had early misscarriages, she is 8wks). I was genuienly happy for her, I hugged her and congratulated her...I was excited. Then it suddenly hit me and I struggled to hold back tears, I think she sensed this and hugged me again. I felt a stab of jelousy and now feel guilty about it. She is off work again today and is having a really rough time, I pray that all goes well for her. It's just that every where I turn theres pregnant women or newborn babies. I have worked in my current position for 10 months and in that short amount of time there have been 6 pregnancys, 4 have already been born, 1 is due in 2 weeks and now Kirst has just confimed that she is pregnant. When will it be my turn?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Back on Track

Toodle and I are doing much better this week. We have been spending quality time together every afternoon walking along the beach and going out for dinner...sort of feels like dating again :) We also got a fair bit done around the house and have decided to make a really big effort this year to focus on family life. I have spoken to our donor since the last post and offered our support to him and KS through there seperation. He emailed back that he is still willing to try for a baby if we are. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was reading that after a tough day at work...I called toodles before I could even finish reading the email he sent. We are now back to trying next month. I am so relieved. After my post last week I contacted a few fertility clinics and IUI is at least $1600 a cycle and IVF is a huge $7400 a cycle, I really don't know how infertile couples out there can afford that, but like them I would be willing to pay anything to get a healthy bubba. I really hope this year is it!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Now What??

Our Donors broke up again last night, I really don't think their relationship is salviagable. KS is devistated and will probably end up on our doorstep by the end of the week. I really don't know where to go from here, we have no donor and no money for a clinic. I am so angry, if we ever thought something like this would happen we would have gone down the clinic route when we had money, now we have invested all of it into renovating the house and there is nothing left. Our baby hopes for 2009 don't look good and it will take at least a yr or 2 to save up to even get a chance at falling pregnant. It's not fair, I really envy 'normal' couples who have an endless supply of sperm. I really wanted Toodles to be the one to 'get me pregnant', now it looks like we will have to wait a few yrs and do the insemination in a sterile environment with a dr doing all the work and that is so not what I had in mind. I really don't know where to go from here, it feels like all our hard work has been for nothing, all the planning and getting excited....for what, to be slapped down again!Toodles and I have been doing really well this week until we got this blow last night, we had a fight at 1am when she left for work and i spent the next 2hrs in tears till I fell back to sleep, I'm so tired. Tired of fighting and tired of pretending to care and put on a happy face, all I want to do is crumble in a heap and be left alone. To top it all of I started back at work this morning and have been trying to keep myself distracted and pass the hrs, only 6 to go!
The kids have gone to their fathers for the next 3weeks, I thought it would be a nice break and I could get so much done..I was really looking forward to it. Now I just miss them and its shit!
Maybe I do need a man, then my problems would be far fewer!
I'm just in a bad place at the moment, this sucks!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Wedding Photos!!

Hi all, we picked up the wedding photos this avo and absolutley loved them! here is the link to check out our wedding book also if you click the home button at the top of the page when you finish veiwing it will take you back to the home page where you will see more pics of us..we have a whole slide about just us at the bottom...I do feel special lol :)