Sunday, November 22, 2009

I need motivation!

I seriously have no urge to do anything anymore! I'm not happy in my job (probably due to the fact that we have no aircon in 39 degree heat!) I'm not happy with my home life and all Toodles and I do is fight. It ended in both of us screaming/crying and breaking things (and Toodles fist after pounching the tiles in the shower). This is never ending and is almost always about the kids. This time it was about if they come back next year I want her to do most of the parenting because I have done it for the past 3yrs and it sucks, I feel so alone. I'm angry at the fact that these kids have a mother and a father who leave the parenting up to their partners, I just want my own baby to love and care for! I'm angry that its almost christmas and still we have achieved nothing...2yrs and nothing to show for it! I don't know what I want, I'm mad as hell! No one around me understands the pain I go through every day and the battle I have with myself about every decision I make. At least once, twice or three times every hr I am thinking about baby making, what my life will be like, what hospital and support groups I will join, what play group I will take my baby to. It's like an illness that I can't shake, I'm sick! I try to make Toodles understand, I know she does in her own way..I know she feels the emotional pain that I do but she doesn't get the physical pain...blood tests every day and injection hurt like a MoFo! I't doesnt help that she thinks theres something wrong with me because 'she got pregnant so easy', Good for you Toodles...rub some salt into my wounds some more! I got pregnant twice easily too remember..The first when I was on birth control at 17 and the second at 20 with our first try with DD and we lost it. I hate not being in control, I hate not knowing whats going to happen next. My world has been turned upside down and I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I am lost in this world and its a scary and sad place when you feel so alone.

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