Another year older, Another year lost

Yesterday I turned 22, it was just like another day and I wanted to keep it like that. Why is it that every holiday, birthday or anniversary I feel dispear and hoplessness? I keep thinking 'This time next year we will have a baby, This time next year I will be happy'. Why do I put myself through this, I have been doing this for the past 2years...why? What happens when I get pregnant (hoping I do and don't jinx it)? I will then be worrying about misscarriage then stillbirth then SIDS. I am scared that when I do get what I want it will be taken away, I just want to be happy but am always waiting for the next drama to happen. I should be happy. I have Toodles who is my world, I have to great step kids but that still isn't enough. Why do I have this strong urge to have a biological child here with me, I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.

Back to where it all started

Sometimes I wish I could go back to wear Toodles and I first begun, we were niave and care free...oh how I miss those days. I miss being happy and how Toodles and I had so much more affection for each other and how we did nice things such as bring each other flowers just because we felt like it, we wrote each other notes and left them on the bench and sent smoochie text messages to each other. Ever since we have started this baby making journey we have drifted further apart each month we try, we snap at each other and need more time to ourselves. Sometimes I don't know who we are anymore when we are in the middle of a screaming match or throwing things around the house, I just want the old us back. I am willing to work and get back to where we were but Toodles won't even acknowledge that we have problems, If I bring it up she tells me I'm the one with the problem not her. How am I supposed to work on our marriage when she is not even willing to try or see that we have problems? I don't know how to fix the mess that I call 'my life'.

Christmas Day

Well christmas day didn't start good, I was picking fights with Toodles for no reason and crying all morning...I don't know what came over me but chrismas morning sucked! Toodles doesn't understand how hard holidays are especially christmas, last year we said that we would have a baby by this christmas and thats what kept me going all year. I just wish Toodles could relate to me, sometimes it feels like we are on different planets...she laughed and played happily with her kids, she wasn't missing anything like I am, she already has what she wants. At least the rest of the day went off without a hitch, I was to busy to think. My whole family went and had a look at the nursery, I think half of them thought I was a nutter, maybe I am.

1 year 6 months 2 weeks and 4 days

Thats how long we have been ttc. If you think about it, thats a huge chunk out of someones life to be hanging onto hope and playing the waiting game. I am so impatient and love being in control that this is seriously the hardest thing I have ever had to do, this is not what I pictured I would be doing at 20 and 21 and 22...hopefully I won't be still hanging on for hope when im 23! Another sucky christmas with ruined expectations, no third stocking under the tree, no 'my first christmas' paraphernalia, no passing a new baby around the family (ok there will be passing of a new baby but it won't be mine). I can only just imagine how much joy my brother and his partner will be sharing with their 3 month old this christmas, why can't I have that? I stood at the doorway of our nursery and cried more than I have in a long time last weekend, it has been such a big year for us and we have nothing to show for all our hard work. No evidence of the 7am visits to the hospital every morning or the internal examinations or inseminations we did. No evidence of all the prodding, poking and injections that left welts on my stomach or all the blood draws which left bruises down my arm that made me look like a junkie. Another year wasted, Another year I will spend doing this again. When will this get easier?

Names

I've decided to dedicate a post to all the baby names I am liking at the moment..yes it is a little early but I want them to be written down so I don't forget:

Harlow
Brieanna
Charlotte
Kaylee
Scarlett
Molly-Rose
Madeline
Grace
Annabelle
Nikolas
Lauchlan
Xavier
Riley
Elijah
Hayden
Levi
Logan

ok that is all.

What a weekend!

On Saturday we had friends and family over for a christmas party, we ate and drank while the kids played. Toodles put on her christmas hat and gave out presents and lollies to all ten of the kids..they loved it! We had a very relaxing and chilled out Sunday with the kids and I've got to say I actually really enjoyed spending time with our little family (don't get me wrong I do enjoy spending time with the kids but I was so much more relaxed, it was great!) I just wish I could be this chilled out all the time, I need to work on that for the new year.

Disappointed!

Ok I know I said we were going to wait till next year to go back to the clinic but I kinda caved and decided to try this month..after convincing Toodles and having my cycles worked out I called the clinic to let them know. I knew I was pushing it because they are only open half days when I would be needing to inseminate but I still thought I would be able to do it...apparently not as they are only open to do blood work! If only my period came 4 days later then expected then maybe I could do it. I also spoke to them about upping my dose of Gonal F, they need to speak with Dr Carey first but I don't see why he would have a problem with it.
I have heaps of new years resolutions that I prob will have to dedicate a whole post to. One top priority on my list (ok this is on the top of my list every year) is to lose a bit of IUI weight, courtesy of the hormone injections. I'm hoping this will make it easier to get pregnant...and fast! I'm going to my first weight watchers night with mum and her best friend (my MC from the wedding), would like to hear from any of you who have tried this and if it helped you become a super hot chick (or man).

Is this a bit freaky?

Do you think it would be weird if I got a reborn doll as a substitue for a baby? People who have lost children or are unable to have a baby do this for therapy, they can even make a real looking doll to look like your child just from a picture with mechanisms to make it look like the baby is breathing! Between $150 and $800 I can have a real looking doll that is even weighted to feel like you are holding a newborn...this could be cheaper then thearpy, although if Toodles found out I was considering this she would probably make me go to therapy.

I'm cool, calm and collected (for now)

Last night we finally came to a decision on what we are doing with the kids next year. Dickhead has now refused to do one week on and one week off and wants them full time (this is definatley not in the best interest of the children as they wouldn't cope their full time, they are struggling now and it's only been 1 month!). We have decided we will have them for the first week and on the following Monday then they spend time with nanny and poppy on tuesday, dickhead has them on his usual wednesday, they spend thursday with nanny and poppy then dickhead has them friday through till Monday morning when he drops them off at school. This way the kids get to spend time with all the important people in their lives and we still get a week to ourselves. I must say I finally feel at peace with everything, ok as much peace as I can feel without going into how sad I am about another christmas with no baby. How many more Christmases will I be feeling like this?

I need motivation!

I seriously have no urge to do anything anymore! I'm not happy in my job (probably due to the fact that we have no aircon in 39 degree heat!) I'm not happy with my home life and all Toodles and I do is fight. It ended in both of us screaming/crying and breaking things (and Toodles fist after pounching the tiles in the shower). This is never ending and is almost always about the kids. This time it was about if they come back next year I want her to do most of the parenting because I have done it for the past 3yrs and it sucks, I feel so alone. I'm angry at the fact that these kids have a mother and a father who leave the parenting up to their partners, I just want my own baby to love and care for! I'm angry that its almost christmas and still we have achieved nothing...2yrs and nothing to show for it! I don't know what I want, I'm mad as hell! No one around me understands the pain I go through every day and the battle I have with myself about every decision I make. At least once, twice or three times every hr I am thinking about baby making, what my life will be like, what hospital and support groups I will join, what play group I will take my baby to. It's like an illness that I can't shake, I'm sick! I try to make Toodles understand, I know she does in her own way..I know she feels the emotional pain that I do but she doesn't get the physical pain...blood tests every day and injection hurt like a MoFo! I't doesnt help that she thinks theres something wrong with me because 'she got pregnant so easy', Good for you Toodles...rub some salt into my wounds some more! I got pregnant twice easily too remember..The first when I was on birth control at 17 and the second at 20 with our first try with DD and we lost it. I hate not being in control, I hate not knowing whats going to happen next. My world has been turned upside down and I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I am lost in this world and its a scary and sad place when you feel so alone.

Perks...

No matter how many perks there are it can never make me feel better about the fact that im STILL not pregnant.

Perk #4

I can keep my mood swings under control and not have emotional breakdowns in my bosses office.

Perk #3

I am able to have rough sex without Toodles thinking she's hurting me!

Perk #2

I am able to drink myself stupid at Snowys 21st, Sarah's 40th and our christmas party..

Perks about not trying to get pregnant...

I am able to have as much nurofen as I want without having to worry about my uterus thining....no more migranes!

who am I?

I'm in another one of those rutts where I don't know what to do, where do I go from here? Ok I know I will be starting IUI again in January but what do I do while i'm waiting for that? I feel like i'm giving up now that i'm not actively trying until the new year, this waiting game is worse then the waiting game while trying. I had a life plan but that plan didn't go according to schedual. I hate not being in control! If I don't feel good about my plan of waiting why did I choose that? I can't win, when i'm trying i'm fighting a phsycological battle with myself to inject myself with needles, get blood tests and go through the horrible insemination. When i'm not trying i'm angry/upset because I feel like I should be trying and the waiting is just delaying my life!

OMG I am so emotionally unstable right now, I called Toodles at work yesterday saying I can't pick up the kids and that I don't want them here tonight..WTF? I was literally getting myself so worked up that I was physically sick at the thought of the kids coming home for 1 night after not seeing them for 2weeks. I really can't explain why it shocked me aswell. Things that shouldn't bother me do and I seriously lose it. Last time this happened I was on anti-depressants for 3 months and I can honestly say it was the best thing for me at the time, I was so happy that the kids could have smashed a window and I would be like 'oh well it's ok', now I would probably hang them (ok so technically I wouldn't, i'm not that much of a nut case). I really do think I need some kind miricle pill to get me through the day but then I think that if I do then the drs won't let me continue with the IUI as I could possibly be unstable also I can't take anything even if there is a possibility of being pregnant. So really there is no point in me being on them for a month and a half as it takes 2weeks to kick in then have to wait 2weeks after i'm weaned of them to do IUI, so really it's not worth it.

Toodles is speaking to DickHead (yes thats the kids father) about having shared custody next year so that means we have one week then he has one week. I seriously think this is a great idea as the kids get to spend equal time with their parents (this will be especially beneficial to Bluey) and Toodles and I get to have alone time without going mental (yes this is selfish but seriously i'm not coping and I am the one who has them full time not Toodles). I really don't know...my life is so Meh at the moment i've had enough. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave!

No baby miracle for Christmas, Happy F****n Anniversary!

I guess it wasn't ment to be this year. AF came with a vengance on Saturday, I was 2 days late and I am NEVER late. I guess we got our hopes up, I have been clotting more then usual so am still going to go to my drs appointment tomorrow morning at the clinic. I'm just a little bit sad because we said we would have a baby by last christmas and were so sure that we would at least be preg by this christmas. I know I will be upset christmas morning...hell I was upset last chrisrmas morning but there is nothing I can do, I've had my chances this year and it didnt work. I feel like I have failed Toodles, I can't even keep my promise to her...its our anniversary today and we both felt like crap. Toodles wants me to try again this month meaning that I would have to start needles tomorrow..I can't do it, I need to give my body a break...I just feel sore and broken, I have only just gotten rid of my bruises on my tummy from all the needles and my arms from the blood tests. To top it all off I am officially classed as infertile, in other words my body is too fu**ed up to even make a baby. Over the past year and a half my whole life has revolved around baby making, if I give it up i'm lost..what do I have to aim towards? I need to find myself again.

F@ck This!

Ok i got yet another negative....I am so over this, I am so angry! If it is negative where is AF? I was looking forward to our anniversary weekend, now i'm going to be secretly miserable the whole time...when is it my turn to be happy?

No news is good news right?

Today I was supposed to go in for pregnancy blood tests, this didn't happen due to work comitments and has been put off until next tuesday. Aunt flo hasn't showed herself yet but if she does i'm expecting it will be either today or tomorrow. I have been so sick the past 3 days, I really think it's gastro (secretly i'm hoping it's something else). On Monday it will be Toodles and mine 1yr wedding anniversary, we were going to celebrate by going to the sunshine coast but have now changed our mind and are staying in byron bay for 2nights. The beach, bush walks, walking to the light house and good food....i'm looking forward to it. Most of all i'm looking forward to getting away with my Toodles. I pray AF doesnt come and ruin our weekend away!

NEGATIVE!

To test or not to test?

Ok I was going to hold of testing until Monday (which would make it 10 DPO), but the test I have says test as early as 7 DPO...which is tomorrow. I always have such good intentions of waiting but it really never happens. So tomorrow after Toodles leaves for work I will do the damn test. I really am not expecting much so I don't know why I want to put myself through it! Oh well only time will tell.

Where do I fit in?

I have tortured myself again this morning by reading dead baby mama blogs. I can't explain why I do it but I end up sitting hear with tears rolling down my face for every single story I read. I don't know where I belong in blog land. I have 2 step-children but don't feel like I can contribute to parenting blogs, I feel like a fraud..they aren't really mine are they? I can't talk to new mums about late nights, collicy babies or changing nappies as I did not experience that with my step-kids as I came when they were 2 and 5. I don't fit in with the dead baby mama's either as I have not lost a full term baby, like many mama's say 'a miscariage is so much more different then a full term baby'. They are right...I have no idea.

I haven't spoken about this on my blog before but when I was 17 that was the first time I had a bub in my womb, we named her Kiara. My bf and I wanted a 'K' name as his whole family had K names and my name also started with K. I was so scared no one knew besides my best friend. The relationship with my bf at the time soured and he started getting rough with me, he never hit me but pushed me around enough to leave bruises. I still remember the night he tried to leave and I wanted him to stay...I didn't weigh much and he easily pushed me out of the way slamming me into the wall. I was only a few weeks along and I miscarried that night. I never truely knew what the sex of the baby was but in my heart I knew she was a girl. A part of me died that night, I still blame myself for letting it happen. She would be four.
My second miscarriage was last year, we didn't even realise we were pregnant. My step-son has this strange sixth sense and says he talks to her and her name is Ella and she was sick and had to go back to jesus (I have written about this before). He didn't even know I was pregnant.

There are plenty of miscarriage blogs out there but after reading full term baby losses it makes my loss seem so small, I had nothing to hold, no picures to show off....I have nothing. I have no proof that a baby no matter how small even existed. I don't even have ultrasound pictures to hold onto.

I don't even have the right to join infertility blogs. I'm not infertile even though we are doing IUI, there is nothing medically wrong with me in fact the drs say I am very fertile...i'm just a lesbian. Even though I could be going through the motions of doing an IUI cycle the same as a straight couple i'm immediatly shunned because 'I don't know their pain because my body has not shut down on me'. I feel like saying 'fair enough, but you have sperm on tap and I don't'.

Every month I struggle, I have lost who I am. I have turned into a depressed narky bitch, my marriage is struggling, my step-kids no longer live with us and I didn't fight it, I have finished fighting...i'm living in my own little shell and pushing my friends, family and the rest of the world out. I see my nurses and drs more then I see my own family and my parents only live down the road. I want the old Kristy back but i'm not sure if that is ever going to happen.

Insemination 3

Yesterday we had insemination number 3, the drs were wrong and my hormone levals did rise...in fact they more then doubled over night. My estrogen was at 1267 and LH levels were at 17, making this the highest amount of hormones I have had for insem day. This also could be because we had three eggs, 1 good developing egg which roughly got to around 20mm by yesterady and 2 smaller eggs (not sure of the size though). If things do not work out this month I will be having a break, I cannot keep pumping myself with drugs...it is taking over my life! At least if we need to do another cycle I can claim on medicare as technically they will class me as medically infertile opposed to socially infertile which I am now. It's a bit daunting though being classed as medically infertile, that means my body really is no good and i'll feel more of a failure then I already do now. Like I keep telling everyone....I just want it to be over! Hopefully I will make it through the 2ww.

I want to get of this ride!

Went in for bloods today..another collapsed vein in my right arm so had to get a second jab in the same spot as yesterday, it hurt like a mother! We will either be going for insem tomorrow (friday) or saturday depending on my blood results that I have to wait to get back at 3pm. This morning didn't start so good...firstly it took 15mins to convince myself to give me a jab with the Gonal F pen, which by the way ended with me being a blubering mess...so glad toodles wasn't home to see that. Then blubering on the poor nurse when she had to go in the other arm for bloods and her having to listen about how everything sucks and I can't do it anymore. So im pretty sure im about to ovulate (and so is the nurse) because of how emotional I am, I have turned into a crying sissy...i'm normally a hard ass...wtf? Anyways I need to lip up and get on with it.

Today is my sis Lily's birthday....this day 5yrs ago she made me so clucky and want a baby of my own, I can't even describe the overwelming feeling I had...I was only 17! Happy 5th birthday my lil chicken.

We are on this rollercoaster until we finish!

Are we there yet??? This sucks. My marriage is suffering badly with all this ttc business and it probably will keep suffering until my happiness has returned. I just want my old life back, I miss how Toodles and I enjoyed each others company without the name calling and the resentment each of us holds (especially me). This weekend I tantrumed and acted like a 3yr old and I did not care one bit! Toodles then said to me 'I know your unhappy because we can't get pregnant', no matter how much I protested it was just because the kids were being brats, she was being a bitch etc I knew she was right...why have I let this take over me. I went in for bloods this morning, they couldn't find a vein and when they thought they finally got a needle one it collapsed..with me almost passed out on the floor with cold face washers on me. I just hope they got enough blood for this time. Dr Carey also told the nurses to try and get me through without any scans as I freak out...ok I didn't think I was that bad, I know I freeze up but I really don't like anyone touching my girl bits. I found out today that my cousin is preg again...with twins. This cousin is only 20, has an 18month old daughter and was a druggie and a shoplifter...now look at the turn around. Why is it that people that don't want kids end up with them and the people that try for years still are left empty handed or should I say empty wombed? I don't get it..I don't think i'm any more deserving of a pregnancy then the next person but I am prepared, I think I have alot to offer a child and I will love this child unconditionaly. I want to be a mother and I want to parent a child with my wife that is ours, no custody battles, no petty arguments about were the kids got headlice from and weekend swapping...a child that is loved right before they are even concieved, we have lived and breathed baby making for almost two years now and I can see how much this has effected my marriage to Toodles. We are both so over it but not willing to give up no matter how horrible we are to each other. Marriage is forever and I would not want to go through this with any other person. I love you Toodles.

More Scans

We will be back in for scans on friday....I'm so lucky I have such a supportive boss, If I was her I would like to give me a slap up the side of the head. Pinky is now living with her father for the next two months (not that I think it will last that long) so now it's going to be a little more quieter at home. I think that Toodles made the decison after all the stress the kids have put us through these past few weeks with all the lies they have told their father...the kids are playing us all off each other, mainly Bluey. I really didn't want Pinky to go, I just keep reminding myself its only for two months and we don't need the stress at the moment. Lets hope this month works...even though Toodles said this will be our last try for the year it won't, I will keep going till I get her a baby.

Another month down the drain.

Well AF showed herself this morning before I went in for blood tests, no baby this month. We will be starting gonal f injections again tomorrow, Toodles and the nurses keep telling me it will happen for us soon...thats not enough, I want it to happen now! This will be our last try for the year....I wished so much for us to be pregnant by christmas. I remember last year thinking there should be 3 stockings under the tree not 2, I was so sad that day..maybe its not ment to be this year.

Blood Tests tomorrow

Well after 2 days of work i'm back. I'm lucky I have such a supportive boss! Going in for blood tests tomorrow morning but am not positive about it at all, oh well at least I won't be so disapointed because I saw it coming..this waiting sucks.

How many more negatives am I going to get!

Have been testing since Friday...so far they are all negative. Toodles keeps telling me it's because it's too early, According to the box it should be able to tell me as early as 7 days past conception. I didn't go to work today...I struggled to drag myself out of bed, I cannot go through another month of this. Toodles tells me I will and that we have to keep going. I spent every night crying for a week when we were on the needles, my boss even sent me home on a occasions because I wasn't coping. I had blood tests every morning for a week leading up to the insemination, it gets harder and harder every time I have to give myself an injection and the huge one at the end just about kills me. But I must say the worst thing is going through the motions of the insemination. I feel like a piece of meat on that table, it's the most unatural thing I have ever had to do, it's definatley not how I pictured getting pregnant. It hurts and even with valium I can't calm down. I just want it to happen for us. Toodles has said that we will try one more time in november if it doesnt work this month and thats it. Then we are off to get testing done for me and try to find out why my body is such a faliure. This all just sucks...each month we get slapped in the face and I end up spiraling more and more down into dissapointment and a sadness that just swallows me up. I hate how my life is taken up with baby making and baby making thoughts, I want to stop but there is no way Toodles will let me and I don't want to be a dissapointment to her. I am starting to resent my life...Toodles, the kids, work...everything! I hate feeling like this, I am a bitch for thinking these things. I don't know what I want anymore.

Testing, Testing 1,2,3

Thats how many times I will probably test by Sunday. I know I said that I will wait till then as it would have been 10 days since insem but I really can't wait that long...how do they expect me to wait until the following friday for blood testing! I think I am going to cave and buy a test tonight while Toodles is at work. I know I really have no patience when it come to things like this! Also in recent news Bluey has moved in with his father full time as we have been having problems with him lately as he is always wanting to go there and having no regards for our family or anyone else for that matter. Hopefully he realises it's not all fun and games over there and comes home soon. We have seen baby Ahlia for the past two weekend and she is changing so fast...I wish I could just take her home. Hopefully we have one soon :)

Insemination Thursday!

Today's scan went great we had a 17mm folicle so trigger injection tonight at 8:30pm then insemination 8:30am Thursday morning. I'm secretly excited but don't want to get our hope up too soon. I'll be happy to just get 2weeks with no needles, i've got a killer bruise on my arm from a needle last friday that just seems to be getting more and more purple. Oh well, it will be all worth it. Spent the weekend at mums with Ahlia, Pinky got to hold her for the first time...it was so cute. Pictures to come soon.

another let down.

Clinic just called....my hormone levels aren't high enough, have to go in for more blood tests Monday. Why does it seem nothing goes my way! Not feeling very positive this month and we haven't even inseminated. Did I mention how much I hate needles and now I have been injecting myself daily with them, I feel like throwing in the towel.

Welcome to the world Ahlia Maree West!

Baby Ahlia

Proud Aunty Toodles


Proud Aunty K


Proud exhausted Parents, Andrew and Lisa



After 2 and a half days of labor Lisa and Andrew made it to the finish line. Baby Ahlia (pronounced ah-lee-ah) was born the 24/9/2009 at 8:04am 7pound 11 ounces and 53cms long. The 24th is the day of my brothers birthday and 8:04am is the day Lisa was born so that was timed perfectly. It wasn’t an easy birth and we all held our breaths there for a while. Lisa’s blood pressure was sky high and no Dr had checked on her for hours, the labor ward was full so they had to be sent to another floor. Lisa was supposed to have her waters broken but by 1am in the morning when her contraction were 45sec apart the Drs still hadn’t broken her waters…they were left in a room by themselves till there was a bed on the labor ward! When she was pushing bubs out bubs heart kept dropping, they then found out the cord was around her neck. I don’t know the full birthing story but Lisa ended up getting an epidural and a fair few internal stitches and was hooked up to a catheter yesterday when we saw them. Hers and my parents haven’t even met yet so I guess we have one up on them as we met the parents last night lol. Her aunt, uncle cousins and nan ‘Oma’ was also there too and the aunt was quizzing Donna and I once she found out we were together lol (not in a bad way though). I would not recommend Gold Coast Hospital to anyone..they are terrible! Ahlia was so cute but for the first time I was not clucky over a new baby, Donna was though and kept asking to hold her again. I guess I’m just over all the trying and talking about it for the past 3 years, it literally has taken over my life. I went for my blood tests today and will find out this avo when I go in for a scan, I pray it is tomorrow and we inseminate Monday…I want all the needles to be over. I need it to work this month, please keep your fingers and toes crossed :)

My SIL is in Labor!

It's all very exciting here, mum just called me to say that my bro and sis in law are at the hospital and she is having contractions...there having a little girl. I'm going to be an aunty!! fingers and toes crossed for them :)

We’re back in the game!

We started our Gonal F needles on Saturday so it’s all systems go for this month J I really don’t know what I’m feeling, I guess I’m excited that we are still in with a chance. I don’t want to get our hopes up if it’s not going to work. I’m trying to work on the attitude of ‘if it happens it happens, if not theres always next month’. If our attempts fail this time we are going to do a back to back cycle and go again next month. If we aren’t pregnant by Christmas Toodles wants to wait a few months…it’s really been hard on her too. Toodles has ended up getting a second job doing night fill to pay for all our extra expenses…have I told you all how much I love her! My brother and his gf’s baby is due this week…it’s just another reminder of what we don’t have. It’s just not fair…they are only 18 and didn’t even want a kid yet, I was the first person my brother came to when he was freaking out…to top it all of it was at my 21st b’day party. I guess no matter how hard you try it’s really just luck of the draw. It has been 3 and a half years since we first talked about a family and almost 2years since we started trying, I wonder if it will ever happen for us…at least age/time is on our side so at least I can be thankful for that.

Not this time.

It's been a while since i've been on here, we have known for about two weeks that we weren't pregnant...I just didn't feel like blogging about it. We will be trying in September and if all goes to plan we will find out if we are expecting or not 2 days before my brothers baby is due....I pray to god that it works next time I hate having to look at Toodles face everytime she finds out it hasn't worked, thats what makes me feel worse than anything. The bills are piling up while we are trying to pay for the vials and clinical costs...this is so not fair, and to top it all off Rudd denied the marriage rights amendment bill for gays and lesbians yesterday! What a jerk....i'm over it all, for the past 2 christmases we have said 'next christmas we will have a bubba or be pregnant', I don't want this to be the third christmas we say that...I want something to hope for and be excited about.

Sick :(

This is day two of being home sick with the flu. I love sick days but don't like the sick bit too much :( Not much to report on the pregnancy front..we have peed on a few sticks but all have shown up negative (yes I know it's still too early) I do have extreamly sore boobs and the nose of a sniffer dog lol, ok I developed this awesome sense of smell when I was on the fertillity drugs and even with the flu I can still smell (but can't taste anything..weird). We have blood tests on Friday so fingers crossed. Pinky and Bluey are at their father this week for school holidays so it's been pretty relaxing around here. Toodles and I will be going to see P!NK next Monday so really excited about that...we finally got around to booking our Hotel room yesterday but had to go to the next suburb as everything else has been booked out in advance, like two months in advance. Yay so excited!

Little Pinky

Backdated 30/6/09

The school councilor left a message for us yesterday to give her a call about Pinky . Apparently she is not going very well at school (which we already knew about) and they need to do an assessment on her to determine how high her needs really are. I feel bad for the her, but at least she’s in the right school if she does have a learning disability (they are a mixed school with handicap children and mainstream school children). We had Bluey’s interview last week and he is at the top of his class, apparently he and another little girl compete lol. His teacher said how he was a wonderful little boy and she could talk about him all day…..yes we were impressed J
Not much to report on the fostering side of things. They told her that they would definitely get back to us before the end of June so we just have to sit tight. We do have a lot of stuff going on in our lives at the moment with work, the kids and our insemination schedule. My Annual Team Building conference at Couran Cove is coming up so that’s something to get excited about J

Toodles Birthday weekend and Artificial Insemination

Backdated 26/6/09

On Thursday we had our first clinic appointments with the councilor and Dr. The councilor was very impressed with our knowledge and took down notes on what we were telling her (well we have been researching this for a while now!) She was lovely and I wouldn’t mind going back to see her again. Dr Carey sounded very keen to get started and pshyced us up for inseminating in 2 weeks, then we had our nurse appointment on Friday and she pretty much crushed those hopes. Poor Toodles looked like she wanted to punch her out. Turns out we have to wait for my blood tests to come back….oh and I have to give myself needles (apparently this gives us a bigger chance of twins, Toodles is very excited about this.). By this point I was starting to hate this chick. We will now be inseminating next month L
Toodles birthday was on Sunday so we went away to the Sunshine Coast for 2nights. Caloundra was very nice and we stayed in waterfront cabins until we were evacuated due to flooding and they moved us to Maroochydore. Sunday we drove 4 and a half hours to Millmerran to visit Toodles grandmothers grave (she hasn’t been back to visit since they buried her 7years ago). Toodles was very close to her as she was the only granddaughter so it was very emotional for her to go see her. The memorial park was lovely and we also visited grandfather Joe (who Lukas talks to) and Debbie (Toodles fathers sister who died when she was 1yr). We then stopped at a nice pub that we would definitely go back to. There’s just something about small towns that just feel so welcoming. We also stopped at the Big Pineapple for ice-cream and the Aussie world pub. It was such a great weekend that I must admit I’m sad to be back home L

The Insemination...now we wait

Fridays insemination didnt go as smooth as I would have liked, the Valium kicked in before I went in but once I was in that room it didn't help. We had a new doctor as ours was away on holidays but he was the nicest bloke and was very understanding of my anxiety about anyone touching my 'lady town'. I guess it didn't hurt that much but was more uncomfortable than anything else...I think I even bit poor toodles on the hand. I was actually still leaking the 'stuff' until last night which was odd as when we used DD it leaked out within an hour, I guess it's because it was squirted up so high this time. Sorry that was too much information..but this is supposed to be a baby blog so i'm sure when i'm preg I will be writting worse things lol. The dr said that 20 is a great age to have a baby so lets hope his right and all goes well :) Now we are on the 2ww rollercoaster again.....it feels good to be back in the game!

Scan...oh no wait they meant internal!

Today went really well, only one folical that measured 16mm so we are ready to go on Friday! They have given me a trigger injection to do tomorrow instead of my normal FSH...its a whopper, I really don't know how i'm going to go doing it myself :S When we got in the ultrasound room he told me to take off my pant and he would be back in a sec, I was like what! So he came back in and grabbed his MASSIVE wand and stuck a condom on it, yes I was scarred..I squeezed the crap outta Toodles hand. Anyways we had a little bit of trouble because I was so tensed up (it was bloody uncomfortable) so now our Dr has advised the nurses to dose me up with vallium before our insemination attempt...I wonder if i'm the only person who has needed that, I am such a wuss! Fingers crossed x

Scan tomorrow!

Tomorrow we have our first scan to see when we will beready to inseminate. Hopefully there will be one or two good sized embrios in there so that we can start...any more then two this cycle will be a cancelled (fingers crossed). I am more confident in doing my own needles now as toodles has had to work early the past two mornings, I actually think I prefer doing them myself (they seem to hurt less lol). Today I found out the kids after school care teacher (also our friend and her daughter has sleep overs with little Pinky) had to have a medical abortion three weeks ago. She was three months along and she found out at the ultrasound that the bub had no brain or facial features, she had a little boy and received pictures of him yesterday. I feel so sad for her and her daughter who is devistated. I only pray that things go right for toodles and I this time, these hormones are making me really emotional.

Needles and baby making

It seems like it's been so long since i've posted here, I have writted other posts but the net has been stuffing up so I have just saved them and will need to backdate them when I put them on :S We started the IUI process last week with the needles. Toodles wakes me up before work to give me the jab then I go back to sleep lol. It was all working out well until I had to go to Team Building with work and I had to jab myself...not fun :( If all goes to plan I go in for a scan next Wednesday for a scan to determine when we will be inseminating, I'm counting on this been anywhere between Thursday and Saturday :)

In other news the kids have just gotten their report cards back, Bluey is the top of his class while Pinky is still struggling but is showing great improvement :) The school counsilor diagnosed her with memory deficet disorder and a slight interllectual impairment a few weeks ago so now they have created a special learning program for her, hopefully that will help. At the moment the little munchkins are eating apples so they can plant the seeds out of them to grow their own tree...yes they definately are creative!

First call from DOCs

Well I got my first call today (after I sent out my obsessive letters) and was told that Docs at Tweed Heads don't deal with applications anymore because they all go to Sydney's Head Office. We were also told that most people are only taking under 5 year olds with infertile couples and lesbians only wanting children under 12months, the waiting period could be up to 6months! I guess thats a good thing and means parents in our area are taking good care of there kids. I just want a baby so bad :(
Yesterday I found out Donna has probably lost her license...well she got a 6 months suspension cause she was doing 110km in a 60km zone (she didnt read the signs going on the byron highway as all along the highway its 110km until you get to one spot and ist 60km) so now we are prob screwed as she works at ballina and we live in banora point (over 1hr drive) and if I end up having to drive her it will suck as I work at broadbeach/surfers paradise (1hr away from home) so overall my whole morning and night will be spent driving to and from our work places! I know things happen for a reason...I just need to find out that reason!

ahh the kiddies are back!

The kids got back yesterday afternoon from a week long holiday at there fathers, they seemed happy to be back (I think all the presents they had waiting for them at home made them more excited but I would like to think they were just happy to see me lol). I thought about packing their bags and sending them back after their huge yelling/singing trip to nannys in the car this morning (only kidding)

Pinky: " Tell me lies, Tell me lies, whoa whoa, Poker face..."

Bluey (singing over the top of pinky): "Poker mumma...bad mumma, bad mumma"

Pinky:"stop it, its my song.....Kristy, Lukas is not singing right"

Bluey: "mumma mia, here we go again, my my how can I kiss ya, mumma mia here we go again, my my how can I find ya"

Pinky: "oh my god Lukas, oh my god!"

Me: Laughing

Bluey: "I sing good don't I"

On the fostering side of things we still have not heard anything, I did send a letter to Doc's yesterday asking whats going on (do we sound a lil obsessive?) so hopefully we will hear something soon. We also went out and bought a car on Saturday, it's a 7 seater so it will hold alot of kiddies :) Can you tell that we are over confident.

5 Months!

Wow! It only seems like yesterday we were getting married and I was ready to beat her with a stick over the arrangments, I didn't realise it was that long until I added my ticker today!
We still hadn't heard back from the foster care agency so I gave them a call yesterday, yes they said they would get back to me in 2weeks and it had already been 1week and 5 days but I am very impatient about these things...when im in the 2ww i'm already peeing on sticks by day 6! Anyways they apparently are still getting use to their online application process which they only started last week so fingers crossed they call soon :) They also said that they would prefer to only give us children two years younger then our youngest child....so it looks like we would be fostering children under 4. This is starting to get interesting as we could be inseminating as early as next month, I have a Dr's appointment this avo to get a referal and then its off to counselling with Toodles and a Dr's appointment at the fertillity clinic. Toodles and I are so excited, hopefully this is our year!

A new kind of 2WW!

We we finally sent our application of to become a foster family...now we have to wait at least 2 weeks for them to get back to us, ironic really. Donna has gone a lil overboard and now we have a cot and change table in the spare room and kids bunks on back order, can you tell shes excited lol. Her reasoning behind it is even if we dont get accepted we will still need all this stuff down the track...especially if our insemination works in June. So excited everything is just falling into place!

A different direction

Toodles and I have been discussing adoption for the past few weeks and it is so hard to be gay and adopt so now we've decided on foster care. We will be getting sent out an application package today so hopefully we can get the ball rolling. We havent changed our plans about the insemination in a few months so that is still all going ahead. Have been so busy will have to come and do a proper update soon :)

Happy Anniversary Toodles

I can't beleive it's been a whole week since i've posted, however I have been sneakily reading along to all your posts:) Good news...KS is moving out on Saturday, Toodles gave her the push she needed so it looks like smooth sailing from here, now we just have to shake smokie (she has been at our place for half the week!). I'm really excited about tomorrow, (not just about KS moving out) Toodles and I are staying at Conrad Jupiters for our anniversary...today it had been 3yrs since we got together, somehow it seems like forever! We have stayed there about 4 times before with the last time being our first insemination attempt. We are also finally getting our hair done seeing as we havent been back since before the wedding. This really is a good week for me....happy dayz! :)

45 Minutes...

Thats how long I have before I can go home..woohoo! I'm really hanging out for this weekend, nothing special is happening..probably spending Saturday at the markets and on Sunday I have no Toodles or kids to hang out with, this week has dragged on too long.

There have been some mixed feelings from people about our government handing out the stimulus payments to eligable Australians but I think it's great and am really excited about it! We have already received close to $3000 for the kids and Toodles being classes as a 'single' parent and in the next coming months we should be recieving a further $2000, so happy :) We will be putting the money towards buying a caravan and our artificial insemination proceedures that will be starting mid August. Thanks Ruddy!

I've just come across some pictures from my 21st...

Toodles copping a caking

Getting attacked with cake from my wifey

My awesome beer hat my best mate Snowy bought me, she topped it up with red vodka all night!

Cake cutting

Toodles taking over cake cutting duties

Smokie and I chillin in the pool

Thats it!

Well our relationship we have with our donor is over. There have been more problems with KS and she likes to manipulate us and everyone around her....this time it's DD. She has gone back to sleeping with him while sleeping around with everyone else and not telling him about it, i might catch something...it's not worth it. Toodles and I have decided to knuckle down and save and go the clinic option sometime around august, i'm ok about it now that we have a plan. I think i'm so use to the dissapointment every month that now I really just don't know how I feel. I know Toodles is really feeling it, she wants this as much as I do but I really don't know how to deal with her when I can't even figure myself out...I think i'm getting to the stage where i'm just over it. I really am happy the way our life is going right now and if we are unable to have a bub this year I think I would be at peace with that.

In the mean time we have two cheeky monkeys to keep us busy:

Aren't they the cutest?? Ok yes i'm biased :)

Nope!

We were so sure, but obviously god has other plans for us. We were so excited when AF didnt show herself on saturday, then on sunday she hit with a vengance! Toodles was devistated and was teary all day...to top it all of it was her fathers b'day and we were hosting a bbq lunch. We have sorted things out with our donor and have realised a few things about KS that we really don't like...for one her compulsive lying and trying to put a wedge between us smokie and DD. Things got a little too much yesterday and I broke down at work in front of my collegues and clients...good stuff. They ended up letting me go home and today have been so nice, my boss even offered a shoulder to cry on and the number of our centres councelling service (am I really that bad, well I guess i'm a little obsessive...just a little!). Toodles has caved and wants to use our donor again this month which is also next week on friday the 13th...unlucky or what, and the icing on the cake is that it was supposed to be DD and KS wedding day. After everything that I have found out this weekend about her it makes using her special day so much sweeter (yes i am a biatch)! I'm trying to keep this as a trying to concieve blog and for things about my family so i'm not going to waste my time detailing all the things KS has been doing. Pinky and Bluey are at there fathers this weekend and Toodles is working all weekend so i'm spending some much needed quality time with smokie...looking forward to it:)

One day to go!

We did another test in the early of of this morning, you know those ones with the writting that actually say 'not pregnant' (just to rub it in a bit more). Tomorrow my favourite aunty, flo is expected to show herself...not too thrilled about that. I really don't know what else I can do but save up for a year so the we can start on the clinical path..am so not looking forward to tyring to concieve our 'love child' in such a sterile environmet. A little bit down about everything today. The reality of having another babyless christmas is setting in if we aren't preg by next month, I really am not looking forward to it. The kids are home with us this year for christmas and we were excited about all of us having our first christmas together with the bub, now it looks like if we are lucky to have one it won't be till next year and the whole family will be split up for christmas :( I also wanted a bub badley this month so that it would be so close in age to my brothers bub. Oh well, you can't dictate to these things can you. I am starting to think that it will never happen. Am I being punnished for something, is this gods way of punnishing me because im gay?

Thank you Toodles for the gift of Pinky and Bluey

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I
see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what
you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the
laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in
the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle
of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone
and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the
backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once,
not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine
for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one
if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what
you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess
every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake
cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to
McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you
can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the
tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late
while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for
hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my fingers through
your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful
that God has given me the gift of you.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are
searching for their missing children, the mothers
and fathers who are visiting their children's graves
instead of their bedrooms, the childless couple that
will do anything and everything to bring a baby home,
and the mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms
watching their children suffer senselessly, and
screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a
little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that
I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing,
except one more day.............

Another down day.

Did another pregnancy test, still negative. I really don't have much hope for this try, this was also our last try with DD. Toodles no longer wants to use him as he suggested that I sleep with him to increase our chances and keep it a secret from everyone. I guess now we will end up going back down the clinic route but have no idea when that will be as it is going to cost us thousands. Toodles cried all last night because I think the reality of it all is finally kicking in, I really just don't know what else to do. It has been almost a year since we first tried and still have got nothing to show for it all except frustration and saddness. I feel so bad, I thought of only how I was coping through all this but it didn't even hit me till last week how hard Toodles has been taking it all. She normally keeps things in but has been really teary lately, she desperatly wants this as much as I do..I just didn't know how much.

6 more days!

I'm not sure how i'm feeling, I guess a little bit emotional. I have had severe cramping this past week. Toodles and I went to grafton for the Ulmara races with Kylie and Daniel last weekend and had a ball. It was good to keep my mind of the whole baby thing. I tested early this morning and got a negative, it would be an understatement to say that i'm upset but am still holding onto hope because it still is early (now I have to replace the preg test before Toodles gets home and finds out i've done one without her). I really am praying to god that it has stuck this time. Toodles has been so excited and I don't want to let her down. I have been throwing up a fair bit but that could be put down to bad chinese I ate, I have been tired but then again i'm always tired. I havent had any symptoms to say tha AF is coming so I guess we'll just have to wait and see. This waiting game sure does suck, I just want to know!

The 2WW!

I'm back on the 2WW rollercoaster, don't know weather to be excited about that or not...the waiting game is very painful. All went well on Friday and was quicker then usual (that I was greatful for). Toodles was asleep on the couch with me 15mins after the insemination while I watched Medium. I'm sure I got my timing right and am a bit more positive about this attempt then our last one, I really hope it works because I don't want to put Toodles through that dissapointment again. Fingers Crossed :)

Tonights the night!!

Tonight will be our fourth insemination attempt. I'm nervous and excited at the same time, it will be the first attempt without KS being their and I really hope it won't be awkward (we have to give him our room to do his 'thing' in tonight'. I really hope it works, I can't take another dissapointment and I don't think Toodles could either. Last night KS and I had a chat on the way to McDonalds and she told me how she is going to be struggling these next few days as Friday the 13th is a special day for her a DD. They got together on a friday the 13th, he proposed to her on friday the 13th and they were due to get married next month on friday the 13th. Now I feel really bad that im 'stealing' her day. We havent told her that we are using him tonight and we kinda lied and said that we were doing something special for valentines day and to clear out. I've just got mixed feeling about the whole situation. I only just found out she misscarried a week ago, why do babies have to die? I'm scared that even if we do get pregnant there is a long road to the finish line...I can't get excited till I have the baby in my arms. I wish I was still innocent and niave so I could just enjoy it!

Hump day, yay!

Things have settled down a bit in the house of crazy. I have gotten to know Smokie alot better over this week, we have decided that we want to do this baby thing together. She is going on 28 and without a partner but wants a baby almost as badly as I do. I took her on a tour of all the sperm donor directorys on the net and talked her through how its done, I'm so excited at the prospect that we could be on this journey together :) Toodles has been a little jealous at all the time i've been spending with her though..it's hard to explain but Smokie just gets me, we are so similar it's uncanny. KS is still rocking the boat at home and I don't think ignoring it will make the problem go away. She told us she had no money and that she really needed to pay of all her credit cards, so stupid us are letting her stay there and just pay for food...she went out yesterday and bought a $28,000 car WTF??? Not impressed.

12 Days and counting!

Well our next insemination is on Friday the 13th, wonder if it will be good or bad luck?? I have been speaking to the donor almost every day, he is a great guy and am so happy we choose him. If I was straight he would definatley be the sort of guy I would go for!
The kids have started back at school...It's Bluey's first year and Pinkie's first year at that school, so far she is loving it and hasnt had a problem making friends, Bluey has his first day tomorrow. They both look so cute in their uniforms that I had to give them an extra squishy hug. Things at home have slightly improved and even though Smokie is over quite a bit now I really am enjoying the extra help for once. KS on the other hand is still as selfish as ever and even called Pinkie a bitch after she broke a 'pinky swear' promise not to tell on KS after she smoked all over her in the car. The kid is 7 for goodness sake and we have had many conversations on not keeping secrets that are bad (Toodles is a smoker and Pinky thinks that is the worst thing ever).
I really am confident about trying this month. I have been taking my vitamins and am inseminating a day before ovulation so I know I havent missed it. Please cross all your fingers and toes for my guys :)

On a sadder note a lady I work with may lose her grandchild over the next week. Her daughters dr told her that it looks like the baby had stopped growing and she is going in for more testing next week on Tuesday. To top it all off she may also have the measles but the hospital told her it was only a rash and gave her steroids even though they new it could hurt the baby. They are very upset and my collegue has been secretly crying in her office this past week. Please keep the whole family in your prayers.

Blast from the past!

I'm sitting here at work this morning when I get a message on facebook from a step sister that I have never met.
Let me give you a little back ground before I continue:
When I was 12 my father went to the states to meet up with a lady he met over the internet, he came back and told us that she and her six children were moving over here to be one big family with us. My brothers and I were excited at the prospect of having 9 kids in the house, we went house hunting with my father and found a huge house with acreage and the best tree house I had ever seen in my 12yrs, he told us we were going to all live here...it was like all my christmas' had come at once. I could not have been happier.
Fast forward to 3 months later, my father left for the states to bring 'our new family' home and never returned. So many broken promises of coming to see us and a few empty phone calls a couple of times a year....he never did come back and after the 3rd year of him being gone my brothers only just started to realise that he wasnt coming home.

I have been filled with so much hurt and anger for the past nine yrs and am still battling with my demons everday. Without anything been said I blamed my father and have gotten use to his parents feeling bad for us and sending us christmas and birthday presents saying they were from him. Why did he always promise to come back for a visit and never did? He missed my graduation, 18th, wedding and just recently my 21st. Now my brothers have to go through all those missed milestones as I did and I feel bad. He has a grandkid on the way that he won't even get to know (hopefully there will be 2).

I received a msg from Ali saying how sorry she was for everything and if she could change it all she would. She also told me that I shouldn't be angry at my father as everything is not what it seems. I really had no idea what she was going on about so after talking to her for a few minutes I asked her to elaborate. Apparently my father saved up so many times to come back but his 'wife' (and I use that term loosely) had a spending problem and took all his money. She controlled him and her kids so Ali left (she is 17 now). She lied about haveing cancer and many other illnesses and gave herself self inflicted injuries by popping pills to stuff her body up. The kids real father lived downstairs in their house and sexually abused the kids. WTF is wrong with this women? She told us that she adopted two of the kids she said where her nieces because ther mother was a drug addict and left them on her doorstep. I just found out that they werent her nieces and their mother wasnt her sister at all, they were foster kids that were there for only a few months. Ali doesnt even really remember who they are.
I feel like a huge weight is lifted of my shoulders..my father really did care, he tried to come home but she did everything to stop him. I also feel sad, that he is stuck over there trying his best to make a go of it...no real family but them. His whole family is here!
I really don't know whether I will see him again, I guess I have not really thought about it that much. If he does come back I don't know how I would react, I would feel like I was betraying my step-dad because he has looked after us and done everything for us all this time.
When we were kids he was a fun dad. He took us places and did things with us, mum never really had time for my brothers and I.
I really dont know if I still want him to come back after all these years.

Where's My Cookie??

I had a great time on Saturday, all my family and friends from work came. Toodles hired a jukebox and kareoke machine and we stayed up till late dancing and singing, yep our neighbours love us...lol. I also had a shock when my brother pulled me aside to tell me that he just found out his gf was pregnant and was freaking out (they are 19 and 18), my parents still don't know. I was so excited, i'm going to be an aunty! It really is a catch 22, im really excited for them but on the other hand i'm crushed as we have been trying for so long and they didn't even plan it.
Pinkie and Bluey came home today...is it mean of me to want to send them back? We have KS and our other mate 'Smokie' over. All they have done for the past 3 days is drink and smoke themselves stupid. I really am over the house sharing, they have taken over the kids space and KS dog wees and poos all over the house and she wont even clean it up..not to mention that she still literally stalks DD. I really miss the 2 weeks that I had with just Toodles! I want my life back, i'm sad and angry....im 21 but feel more like 40. What is wrong with me! I'm really struggling, I dont want to be here but I cant leave. Oh and to top my lovely weekend of my cars engine has blown up on me.
The world owes me a cookie today!

It's all good.

Had the biggest skitzo last night! Toodles turned up home with another tag along (this happens often). We already have a full house so I really am over it, I really like my personal space. After 3hours of horrible words between us we just gave up and went to bed. It's like i'm talking to a brick wall! I think things have cooled off now, she is in the middle of ordering my Birthday Cake for tomorrow. Even though it's a month over due im having my 21st party. Should be interesting. Toodles has orderd a juke box and kareoke machine :)
I have been talking to our donor a bit over the past few days (i'm in the middle of talking to him on face book now lol), he is really nice and has offered a shoulder to lean on anytime. He really listens to what i have to say, its great! I know I have made the right choice by going with him.

I just feel yuck! My heart hurts, my tummy hurts and now my head hurts. I just wish Toodles and I could be happy, life really wasn't ment to be like this.

It's over. Lets just leave it at that for now.

New housemate

Well yesterday we aquired a new house buddy. DD and his gf KS have split for good so KS has moved in with us. I've already had a bit of a tiff with Toodles about it, now I can't just be me. Yesterday when I heard her car pull up I had to run to get changed (i was on the couch in a singlet and undies...it was 8pm), I feel like I can't just snuggle with Toodles on the couch or do our usual little smoochy things. It makes it even more awkward when she's letting of steam about DD and saying how bad he is when he is giving me the biggest gift of all. Yes it's horrible that he ended their relationship but if they haven't been happy for a while isn't it the best thing for both of them? We have agreed on trying again next month and have spoken to him a few times in the past week. Poor Toodles is getting over all the baby talk, I know she is feeling it too but she chooses not to speak about her feelings much. I am over all the baby talk too, I just wish I could move on and have the attitude 'it happens when it happens'. I dwell on things too much and it just ends up depressing me, I know i'm young and I have plenty of time but what if something happens and I don't? Because I don't have a partner who can shoot sperm whenever I want it I spend all month planning for that one day, it's hard!
I'm glad I have this place to vent or I don't know what I would do.
Thanks for listening guys :)

Babies Everywhere!

Yesterday a collegue of mine brought his 10 day old son in to show him off (this is the norm at our work, once you have a baby you bring it in to get passed around to about 20 diff people). He was gorgeous and soo small! I did ok, I held him for about 15mins and fussed over him while his daddy went of to get some lunch. That afternoon another collegue of mine came out to chat when she had to run off to the bathroom, she came back saying how sick she had been...I jokingly asked 'you sure your not pregnant'? She looked at me for a minute and said actually I am (apparently no one at our work knows and wants to keep it that way as she has had early misscarriages, she is 8wks). I was genuienly happy for her, I hugged her and congratulated her...I was excited. Then it suddenly hit me and I struggled to hold back tears, I think she sensed this and hugged me again. I felt a stab of jelousy and now feel guilty about it. She is off work again today and is having a really rough time, I pray that all goes well for her. It's just that every where I turn theres pregnant women or newborn babies. I have worked in my current position for 10 months and in that short amount of time there have been 6 pregnancys, 4 have already been born, 1 is due in 2 weeks and now Kirst has just confimed that she is pregnant. When will it be my turn?

Back on Track

Toodle and I are doing much better this week. We have been spending quality time together every afternoon walking along the beach and going out for dinner...sort of feels like dating again :) We also got a fair bit done around the house and have decided to make a really big effort this year to focus on family life. I have spoken to our donor since the last post and offered our support to him and KS through there seperation. He emailed back that he is still willing to try for a baby if we are. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was reading that after a tough day at work...I called toodles before I could even finish reading the email he sent. We are now back to trying next month. I am so relieved. After my post last week I contacted a few fertility clinics and IUI is at least $1600 a cycle and IVF is a huge $7400 a cycle, I really don't know how infertile couples out there can afford that, but like them I would be willing to pay anything to get a healthy bubba. I really hope this year is it!

Now What??

Our Donors broke up again last night, I really don't think their relationship is salviagable. KS is devistated and will probably end up on our doorstep by the end of the week. I really don't know where to go from here, we have no donor and no money for a clinic. I am so angry, if we ever thought something like this would happen we would have gone down the clinic route when we had money, now we have invested all of it into renovating the house and there is nothing left. Our baby hopes for 2009 don't look good and it will take at least a yr or 2 to save up to even get a chance at falling pregnant. It's not fair, I really envy 'normal' couples who have an endless supply of sperm. I really wanted Toodles to be the one to 'get me pregnant', now it looks like we will have to wait a few yrs and do the insemination in a sterile environment with a dr doing all the work and that is so not what I had in mind. I really don't know where to go from here, it feels like all our hard work has been for nothing, all the planning and getting excited....for what, to be slapped down again!Toodles and I have been doing really well this week until we got this blow last night, we had a fight at 1am when she left for work and i spent the next 2hrs in tears till I fell back to sleep, I'm so tired. Tired of fighting and tired of pretending to care and put on a happy face, all I want to do is crumble in a heap and be left alone. To top it all of I started back at work this morning and have been trying to keep myself distracted and pass the hrs, only 6 to go!
The kids have gone to their fathers for the next 3weeks, I thought it would be a nice break and I could get so much done..I was really looking forward to it. Now I just miss them and its shit!
Maybe I do need a man, then my problems would be far fewer!
I'm just in a bad place at the moment, this sucks!

Wedding Photos!!

Hi all, we picked up the wedding photos this avo and absolutley loved them! here is the link to check out our wedding book http://annodphotography1.shutterfly.com/1386 also if you click the home button at the top of the page when you finish veiwing it will take you back to the home page where you will see more pics of us..we have a whole slide about just us at the bottom...I do feel special lol :)