Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Insecurities much??

Well it's my 3rd day back at work after my week of sickness and i feel the bug still lurking..eeck! Toodles and I have been at each others throats for the past 3days and what was supposed to be the end of a chilled out month has turned into a bitter bitch fest...oh the joys of being with a female! Last night turned into a yelling match about DD (our donor) because when we first started (6 months ag0) he was not suposed to have anything to do with the baby...now that has changed as Toodles is best buds with his fiance, works with her and we are in business with them and everyone of our friends and co-workers know what we are doing. Ok I know what they are doing is a big ask and I love them for it but what was supposed to be an intimate and private thing between my Toodles and me has turned into a community project....it makes me want to go back down the clinic path just so we can have a bit of privacy, i want this baby more than anything but most of all I want it to feel like ours without any interferance. Am I asking too much? Toodles thinks I am, she thinks im overeacting and says she doesnt care about any of that and keeps saying we'll deal with that when and 'if' it happens (personally I think she is being a little niave) I guess i'm just hurt that she keeps saying she doesn't care and 'whatever', that can mean two things a) she really just does not give a crap about anything that concerns me or
b) she doesn't care as long as we get a baby out of this
I hope it's b as I really don't want to think that she just does not care about anything!

I'm feeling excited but scared at the same time about this insemination. I have a good feeling that it may work this month as I have been stress free and the fact that we have had a break for 3months until we came back from Thailand..this month we are really ready for it! On the other hand i'm worried about another failed pregnancy...I'm feeling sick just thinking about another 2ww..peeing on sticks everyday, looking for the slightest signs.. I really envy people who can fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, one of my collegues had a beautiful baby boy on Sunday and i was the one who had to write up the notice to stick on the staff board..ironic really (ok i sound like a total bitch but deep down i am happy for her...honest).
I should really get back to work, i'll post how friday goes...fingers crossed.

Miss K

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