Todays the day

This morning we had our 5th insemination, it went really well and I hardley even flinched...sadly I am getting better at this. I'm still wiped out on vallium though and Toodles had to go back to work, just about to pick up Bluey from school (thank *uck Pinky is having a sleep over, I can't deal with this shit). If this try fails we have one more vile of sperm then it's time for Operation IVF...god help us all if i'm injecting more drugs, I'm a bitch as it is. I am giving up on having a baby by christmas...this will mean 3 christmases have gone past that we have been trying. I wish that my F*#ked up body will just give me a break, seriously getting pregnant was not supposed to be this hard. I mean like women for thousands of years have been doing it without medical intervention....why am I so useless at it? It was bad enough that I couldn't carry a child to term and now to top it off i'm infertile! There were dramas getting my medicare rebate today because they have changed their benefits for assisted reproduction...yes I have reached my threshold but I still don't get 80% back....I love how we are treated as second class citizens in this respect...not to mention I already am a 'second class citizen' because I am gay. Like seriously, not getting pregnant is a medical problem too (apparently). Sometimes I really do keep forgeting the prize at the end of it, it's like I am going through the motions of injections, blood tests, scans and inseminations and I am looking in at myself because I am so disconnected to my body and emotions. When will it happen and when will all the medical interventions be over. When I was younger all I wanted was to be a mum, i'm sure if I knew this was in my future I would have run a mile. I think I am just over everything at the moment, I need to turn my brain off and stop thinking.