Bah Humbug

Well it’s coming up to Christmas and still nothing yet. I keep thinking if we didn’t lose the baby it would be almost due now, we would be painting the nursery and loading it up with lots of pressies. Instead i’m slowly getting there with all the preparations for the family coming over on Christmas day and looking longingly at all the cute baby stockings and ‘baby’s first christmas’ tree ornaments. It’s killing me more and more every day, Toodles has started pointing out babies in strollers at the shops and scanning k-mart catalogues for baby toys (ok we have gone a little overboard and bought a few things that are on special). I keep thinking last Christmas we decided this would be the year and that by this year we would be celebrating with a bubba. Is this what it will be like next Christmas? Will we still be longing for something that we don’t yet have? Toodles and I have been fighting a fair bit lately and I know most of it is because I just don’t have the patience anymore and because she doesn’t have the patience for me. I’m hurting...i’m still in that poor me faze. Toodles casually talks about this miscarriage like it’s no big deal (when at the time we were shattered, I think I was shocked at first because we hadn’t even realised I fell pregnant. Toodles cried for half an hr in the shower and I didn’t cry until the next night and then we broke down together. All I can remember is feeling so bad for Toodles, I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted and that broke my heart.) Anyway, i’m supposed to be over that grieving stage since we weren’t even that far along but I can’t stop thinking ‘What If’? When will I feel happiness again?
Time doesn’t heal everything, it only makes it worse!